I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Heya @Jynx 

How are you? 

I’ll try and ask my CM on Wednesday. I’m scared it’s meaning something bad is going to happen. Each time it happens I get a bigger sinking feeling in my stomach. 

My whole ‘defective’ schema is coming to the surface. The next couple of hours are feeling hard to face. 

Im not feeling ok

[Jynx]

@Captain24 have you had the feeling before and it has lead to something bad happening?

Deffo good to chat to CM about it methinks, especially if it is playing on your mind a lot!

Do you have any affirmations or other ways to speak to that part of yourself that is feeling defective?

[Captain24]

I’ve had the odd feeling and it hasn’t amounted to anything @Jynx but I’ve never had it to this extent. 

My CM will probably blame the weather or daylight savings or it’s happening to everyone right now. Thats her reasoning for everything. Everything from feeling suicidal to just a bad day has those reasonings. I’ve realised that she isn’t as good as I thought. My hospital stay has opened my eyes greatly. 

I need to tell myself it’s just that I’m over tired. But being over tired is making hard to not see myself as defective. If that makes sense. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 ahh yeah fair enough that the escalation of the feeling would prompt a bit of worry. But if it hasn't lead to anything bad as such, I think it's probably nothing to be too worried about. Especially if it is just a 'deja vu' kinda thing. I get weird deja vu sometimes that's like... I'm being reminded of a life that isn't mine. Like a sudden sense of familiarity about something completely unfamiliar. It's weird. But I think that's just the human brain sometimes 😅 Leaning into the absolute absurdity of being alive definitely helps... well, helps me anyway 😉

Honestly, your eyes being opened is a good thing! It means you can set a standard/get a better understanding of what kinds of support you find helpful, and what isn't really suitable for you! Like with your CM - seeking alternative explanations is always a handy skill, especially against habitual internalising, but perhaps it isn't what you're needing right now, so you can make a more informed decision about like, do I keep this support, do I ask for a change up here, etc etc

Totally makes sense - ach, the ups and downs of recovery paradoxes ahaha. I remember one of mine was 'the only way to prove that I'm actually loveable is to have someone show interest in me, which means I need to go out and flirt, but I am too shy and anxious to go flirt with people because I hate myself and think they'll hate me too, so I need to build some confidence, but I'm not confident cos I'm unlovable, so the only way to prove I'm actually loveable is to have someone show interest in me....' Yeah... It's normal hun! And also normal is that some days, even if you do everything right, you still end up feeling crappy. That's not failure, that's just how it goes. You're doing fine hun 😊💜

[Captain24]

I need to stop worrying about it @Jynx. I think because I’m trying so hard I’m over analysing everything. Maybe I’m just looking for something that’s not there. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just stupid. 

I can’t change CM’s but I now know what is acceptable. I need to listen to her but take what I want out of it and not take what she says as gospel. 

I get the unlovable scenario. It’s just like a vicious cycle. I’m sorry you felt that though. I think you’d be very loveable from what I’ve felt. 

I’m really regretting setting up my new laptop this morning instead of sleeping. Right now I’m just wishing I could just give in. I’ve had enough. I know I’m stupid. I should think better things but I’m just useless and can’t 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 nothing about what you're saying sounds like stupidness to me. Maybe it is simply something that will become clearer in time.

Aye very true, but the option of asking for a different kind of support is always there. Like what do you wish she would've said? Maybe the way she always attributes your emotional state to outside causes is something that leaves you feeling crappy cos it disempowers you from being able to work on regulating? Like 'oh you feeling crappy just means x, which you can't do anything about, so you just have to feel crappy and accept that.' So maybe instead you could ask her to like, idk try some kind of self-soothing strategy with you instead of just trying to make you feel better with deflections all the time... Food for thought!! You know your needs best.

Thanks for saying, that means a lot! I think the same of you - very loveable person! It sucks so much when our brains make it really hard to believe it though hey... Keep on your path tho and one day you will 😊

Deep breaths hun! Sounds like hitting the hay will be good. That way you can stop 'shoulding' all over yourself 😉

[Captain24]

I get in trouble off my psych for saying ‘should’ I even heard her voice in the back of my mind when I typed it! @Jynx. I’m guessing she is having some effect after only 4 sessions, excluding the odd one on one time during my stay. 

I took my meds an hour ago and I should be asleep by now but they seem to be taking their time tonight. 

I am going to say good night. 

Have a good one and that’s for being the loveable, quirky, awesome you. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 oh well I like your psych then haha! Glad it is having a positive impact 😊

I hope the meds do their job soon! Be wary of frustration - it's probably the biggest factor for me when my insomnia is bad, getting frustrated about not being able to fall asleep. Problem is that frustration is a kind of agitation to the nervous system and will make sleep that much harder. I find if I am getting frustrated, it means I need to take a break from trying to sleep; usually a cup of chamomile and a chapter of a book does wonders 😋

Sleep tight you delightful human! May sleep find you swiftly 💜

[Captain24]

I finally got to sleep last night @Jynx. It took a little while but once I was asleep I didn’t wake up at all during the night. 

So I have started today out right. I took the dogs for a walk this morning. They loved it. I found it okish. 

I have just mown my back and front lawns and had a dietitian appointment. It’s been a busy morning. 

I have had a shower and washed my hair! Self care after my productive morning. 

Now I have a GP appointment. I’ve got a lot to go through in a short appointment. I’ll give him a list and see what he wants to sort out first. He leaves soon so I don’t have many appointments left with him. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 how's your afternoon going? Last time we chatted you mentioned that afternoons were a bit more difficult for you so I thought I'd pop by and check in.

It sounds like you've had a really productive day so far! Go you for washing your hair, that's such an annoying task but once it's done doesn't it feel so much better? I'm currently putting off washing mine but you've given me some motivation 

Hope your appointment went well and you got through the list you took in with you