Lived Experience Forum

[Evren]

Hey everyone, I'm new here.

I attempted posting something before but the forum upload bugged out and kind of swallowed it so I dropped the idea for a short while. Take two, right?

I'm juggling a lot of things to improve my life right now. Moving out of a toxic family, finding a new job, desperately trying to maintain my creative practice, seeking medication for my mental health.

But I feel like I'm fighting every inch of the way. So tired of every life task feeling like a mountain, and then every scrap of kindness needing to be scrounged for.

I'm tired of being dismissed by the GP and talked over, turning one simple visit into three different GPs.

Both depression medication options causing my body pain or very disturbing, dangerous side effects.

Of pretending I'm chipper and happy so I have the slightest chance of people liking me when I'm roommate or job hunting.

Being ignored when I message them.

Apartment rent agents not even bothering to read my profile, offering me something outside my budget, and then having the gall to suggest I should find roommates... Yeah duh.

Of being weaseled around at work to do more complicated things than I'm being paid for, and then attempts at negotiation being sidelined by 'you can do it as a contract instead, yeah?'

Of pots and pans being smashed on the ground by my mother in response to my clumsiness when I've been like that lifelong and I can't help it. (This has been particularly triggering of late)

My regular friends activity getting pushed back and back and back, weeks and weeks and weeks because everyone's so busy.

Of the only place where I feel productive and peaceful is not even home, it's the library.

My friend told me this weekend she's so proud of me for pushing on... but I don't want to anymore. Why am I will-powering my way through to get just the minimum amount of stability? It's torture at this point.

[Jynx]

Hey @Evren glad you decided on a 'take 2'. Sounds like you've been fighting so hard and it makes sense to feel a bit defeated when things are still so hard. 

I can totally relate to that feeling of like, someone takes note of how hard I've been fighting or how resilient I am for pushing through and it's like... why do I have to be resilient though? Why do I need to exhaust myself just to get to a level of basic functionality? There is no where near enough acknowledgement of how our environments and contexts can impact our mental health just as much as the internal factors.

It sounds like you're doing your best to stay afloat, and I think it's very okay to be upset or angry at how hard it is - especially when it comes to poor treatment from RE agents, or your GP, or from your mother. I don't have any easy answers for you, but I do hope that finding some connection and solidarity from folks here on the forums can be helpful for you. 

What do you think you're looking for here? Or to rephrase, what does support look like for you? 

[SkySeeker22]

Hi @Evren 

I'm so glad that you took the time and effort to write and post take two.

It sounds like there are a lot of things you are having to deal with at the moment, and I can understand how relentless the uphill battle can feel when you've been fighting for such a long time.

I couldn't have worded what @Jynx said better myself about the lack of understanding from others about how even the smallest little thing can impact our mental health, and the lack of acknowledgement of the battle that can be everyday life some days.  I'm sorry to hear that this is coming from multiple directions for you.

Its good to hear that you have the library where you are more relaxed and productive.  Are you able to visit often? 

Warm regards

SkySeeker22

[Evren]

Hi @Jynx and @SkySeeker22 , thank you for both your replies. I appreciate the support.

I forgot to clarify that, beyond that statement about pushing through, the visit to my friend was rejuvinating. We spoke about many of these topics and shared struggles. And while I took it as a real compliment, it also reminded me of how utterly tired I am.

@SkySeeker22I've been going to the library every day for a week now, and I intend to keep it up. A small respite.

@Jynxideally I'd be looking for hugs, but that's not quite a digital space thing,  right? 😂 At my lowest I just need to vent, and I came to these forums because people here seem to come from all walks of life. Without needing answers per se, I want to hear people's experiences with getting through similar difficulties so I don't feel like I'm imagining things and losing my mind. Probably the worst thing would be to tell me to look at the bright side of things, because I grew up in a family that only insisted on pushing past emotions.

I haven't had a chance to browse the rest of the forums yet, so any pointers or a post where to get started would help a lot.

[Jynx]

@Evren I mean the best I can offer is the idea of hugs? I would 1000% hug you if we were in the same room! We got emojis though!🫂💜🫂

Totally get you, having that reassurance that we're not alone can go a very long way. As for a place to start - well we got some Tips & Tricks, which also gives a little intro into each of the main 'spaces' (e.g. Our Stories, Something's Not Right, etc.), and there's a list of our Social Spaces here. If you like memes you can head to the Ice-Memery and for sharing ideas for healing, we've got the Toolshed. 

Any other topics you'd be keen on? Any other questions to ask, or pointers you might need? Lemme know!