Lived Experience Forum

[Doglover]

Hi @Eden1919 ,  Thank u for being there for me even though u have been going through a difficult time yourself. 

I really empathise with what u have said. My husband knows that I have suicidal thoughts and images all the time, along with rly strong urges at times and he regularly talks about guns and knives, car accidents, plane crashes and he also watches a TV show regularly on which people get 'wacked' which he tells me all about. It is so triggering for me becoz I want to be one of those people that get wacked, even though I know it's only a TV show. It's very traumatising. My husband also has the same sort of attitude as ur family. If I say that I really don't want to hear it or please don't tell me about it, he just says something like, oh for goodness sake, and keeps going. It is very difficult.

I hope you are feeling better now eden.1919.

Best wishes xxx

[Eden1919]

@Billy_ @Doglover  Thank you both. 

I had had another panic attack and a whole bunch of other stuff has started happening again and just keeps getting more intense each day. I am trying so hard to cope with everything but it is getting very difficult I can’t talk to anyone about it not even on here and I am just really not going well but I just have to wait it out I don’t have any other options I am just hoping that I can manage it.

[Billy_]

@Eden1919 

I'm sorry things seem to be escalating for you and you have had more panic attacks. That's really horrible. 

I'm also sorry to hear that you feel like you can't talk to anyone about what's going on for you. I can relate I feel that way often. But it's really important to not hold it all in. You need to remember that you aren't alone and there are people that want to listen to you and support you. People that will be non judgemental and empathetic. I strongly encourage you to talk to someone if that feels possible. It's really important. 

Sending good wishes and strength your way. 

[Billy_]

@Doglover 

Battling suicidality is really difficult. I face those demons also. 

That can become even more difficult and complicated when the loved ones in your life prove to become triggers by how they act or what they say. 

I hope that one day you will no longer have to battle those insidious and deeply painful thoughts, feeling and urges. And in the meantime I hope you find the strength to continue on. Suicide is never the answer. But I know how it can feel like it is sometimes. 

I believe in your strength and resilience. 

This world needs you and you need it. 

[Doglover]

Hi again @Eden1919 , I'm rly sorry things are really hard for u too at the moment. I rly appreciate ur support even tho ur going thru such a difficult time. I wish there was something I could do or say to help. I'm not much good at being there for others at the moment becoz of the state I'm in. Have things settled down for u at all? U don't feel comfortable anonymously sharing what's going on for u on here? I'm rly sorry ur suffering so much. And I rly understand. Amongst other things, my mind and body is in a state of constant panic and it's just torturous. I really hope things settle down for u soon Eden.

Take care

Doglover

[Doglover]

Hi @Billy_ , thank u for ur support. One of the things I find so difficult is the drivenness behind the thoughts and images, and the fact that they r there every single waking moment of the day and night. I don't want to b thinking those thoughts but they are just there in the forefront of my mind, all the time. That's why I think they r caused by the meds, the fact that they don't come and go but r there 100% of the time. It's just so torturous. I don't want to end it, and frankly I dont have the guts to anyway - so many times I hav said to myself 'tonights the night' but then I never end up doing it - but I dont want to live like this either. I'm so scared what's going to hapn to me if things continue to get worse as they have been for a long time now. I don't want to end up in some mental home/institution for the rest of my life, and I don't want to live like this, but I don't hav the  guts to end it,so I just feel totally trapped. Every day I wake up and think, oh no, not another day. I just hate it. I just want my life back, I just want to live a normal life and b the loving devoted wife to my husband that I was before this hapnd. It tears my heart into pieces every day what this has done and continues to do to my marriage and my husband. I'm just so scared what's going to hapn to me/us.

Anyway, I've kind of taken over Eden's thread. We are also talking about what I am going through under the thread - still struggling. Don't know how to do a link.

Thank u again for ur support.

Take care Billy