Thank you @fluffylight
Firstly the lady meant it in a lighthearted way. I knew that, but the word trigger effect is subtly integrated in my whole being. Suffering, was my parents, and my siblings and now me, even if I try to hide it. I had a big bass recorder and in a way that was good, as it helped anchor me, while I rocked. The scabs on my hands are not deliberate self harm, but a kind of punishment of not paying attention in gardening and the kitchen and very bad nail biting and trich. This was the first time I mentioned it. She had her own obvious hand issues and already mentioned having an operation. She moved away later and I guess I better touch base with her tomorrow. In a way I can be weirdly like a ghost, invisible and absorb a lot unconsciously. I spoke really quickly quietly, without filter, just plainly being me and not aware. Like my veil slipped. Usually I am very aware of the right thing to do re other's needs. This was about mine. Role reversals ... in that with music it has been my job to be responsible, but these last 2 years are just for me. I am not teaching.
Its complicated, as a few people were involved. The leader of the group, also. I burbled out my pain as an excuse to her at the end, talking about lots of deaths, which would not have made sense. Enough other things happened which made me feel contained. Another lady had to leave the group too, but without the trauma trigger. My good friend was in a different group but I went to her during the lunch break (she reassured me, was glad I sought her help.) In a way it is weirdly like group orphanage process with lots of people around. So it was shared in lots of little snippets, but unlike as a child, I did have a voice and a friend.
About 7 years ago when I first joined this forum, when I became triggered, I was agitated and wrecked for at least a week and not able to drive, so this was a great improvement and I have been socially reconnecting all year, a few steps in and one out, then back in again, but it has been a struggle. Its important for my son to know I am out and about and doing productive things.
Not wanting to distract @outlander but in a way ... some similar themes to your discussion.
Hugs again.
