Unsure where to turn

[Undertheweather]

Hi,

I'm a mum to a beautiful 7 month old and have managed to fool myself and those around me that I've been coping, the truth is far from it. My husband is ready to leave me as I'm making us both miserable, I can see myself doing it but just can't bring myself out of the black pit to do anything about it. 

At this point I don't know if I have PND or depression or just a case of grief. My mum passed away unexpectantly five weeks before the birth of my child and I don't think I've been able to grieve for her yet. I'm so angry that she's not here to see him grow up and see me grow up either. I'm just plain angry really, I don't remember the last time I genuinely laughed.

I did two sessions with perinatal after bub was born and just found me lying and hating her for making me feel like crap. But I need help and I just don't know where to start. I'm scared of going on antidepressants and wasting the last month I have off work feeling like crap and vacant, but I'm scared of doing nothing and what might happen. I don't have a regular doctor and can't afford visits to a pschologist etc so what do I do?

I feel alone all the time, I'm angry all the time and just desperate. 

[Peppermint]

Hi  @Undertheweather and welcome to SANE forums. I know you'll find a lot of support here.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having a hard time.

The passing of your mother (my condolences) and the birth of a baby (congratulations) are two major life events. And they're the kinds of events that bring on feelings that are basically opposite each other and these have happened within a short amount of time. It must be hard to feel happy over your baby while missing your mum and hard to grieve while celebrating the birth of your baby. And let's face it, babies can be exhausting and stressful.

I might be rambling a bit now, but my point is that who can blame you, really? That's a lot. And you don't have to go through it alone.

You say you've been fooling yourself, but I think you sound self-aware, which is important; you're asking for help. You mentioned you don't have a regular doctor. Could you talk to your OBGYN or your pediatric doctor? They can probably guide you in the right direction. You might want to look into postpartum depression and support groups for mums and also bereavement. Do you have support from other family members?

[kristin]

Dear @Undertheweather 

I really feel for you in this terrible situation. You really need some help - I wonder if @PANDA can help? Hopefully they will get back to you tomorrow.

Your situation resonates with me I lost my grandmother (who I bonded with as a baby) a year after my first daughter's birth. That was 1over 10 years ago and I still miss her.

Grieving for your mum is essential. 

Kindest regards

Kristin

[PANDA]

Hi @Undertheweather, what a tough and lonely time! I can only imagine how sad, lost and angry you feel. I am so very sorry for your loss. @Peppermint was right on the mark when she said you can’t grieve and celebrate at the same time. No wonder you have been pretending to cope…how can you make sense of such an enormous loss while tending to the constant demands of a new baby, let alone find the words to share with others and navigate your relationship and all the changes new parenthood brings. It is too much.

I can see why you would be scared of doing both ‘something’ and ‘nothing’. When I have had bad help-seeking experiences in the past it has made me fearful of trying again; and not being able to see a way forward is scary in itself. What I can tell you is that if your health professional is truly listening to you, and you feel heard without judgement, you will not need to lie. If you are diagnosed with postnatal depression, this health professional will discuss treatment options with you, take seriously your concerns and will respect your preferences.

PANDA counsellors can help you find a Dr with an interest in perinatal mental health who will listen and work with you 1300 726 306. You might also like to take a look at the website, some of the information on becoming a family, transition to parenthood, and PND might be helpful www.panda.org.au.

If things have got so bad that you are having scary thoughts about your own or bubs safety please know that you are not alone AND help is available.

We hope to hear from you.

Warmest wishes,

The PANDA team

[Baboo]

I found the most mentally challenged and emotional i have ever been was the first year of my kids life  😞

oh it was horrendous-

i know every one is very different but i concluded , in my situation- that was from lack of sleep, huge hormonal changes while trying to feed them, having your body recover from giving birth and then dealing with normal relation ship strains and those bills.

Just those things alone can be the hardest things to work through- you have loss on top of it all!

So, i think- yes, yes you will be feeling every thing you are feeling.

And the best things for these feelings and thoughts are:

Healthy diet

Haps of water

Light walking every day

close trusted friends and/ or family contact ( even if its a phone call)

A treat once a week- like coffee and cake or painting your nails for example.

Is there any thing that you do at the moment that you love- and look forward to?

[TassieMum]

@Undertheweather - hello 🙂 I know you posted a while back, but I am new here and just wondered how you are getting on and how things turned out for you? I put my first post up earlier - was diagnised with PND shortly after my now 2 year old little man was born, was only on meds for about 6 months and from then on coped really well, my little man is my best friend and I love being his Mum. But now having issues with my husband and worry that it is me and I am being irrational and maybe the PND is back etc... would love to know how you are going x 

[Fearfullymade]

Hi Undertheweather,

In regards to getting help but not being able to afford it: if your in Australia ask your GP about setting up a mental health plan referral so you can get 6 free sessions or depending on your choice of psychologist help get a reduction on the fees.

I spent 4 years actually paying for therapy and didn't get told this avenue existed until I told my therapist I could no longer afford the sessions so I would love to save you from going through that same experience and letting you know if you ask around enough there are ways to get help without too much cost to you and your family.

If your not in Australia then I'd say find some parenting groups, classes or community groups through your local church organisation as there are lots of free services out there who can help you cope with what your going through.

Hugs xx And I hope this information helps