Lived Experience Forum

[Eden1919]

I am having a really hard time with my OCD. It is really stressing me out and I can’t keep it under control. I keep having to do things and I can’t ignore it. I take a step and I have to tap something I take another step and I have to repeat something in my head over and over, next step I take it is back to tapping the I have to step in a certain spot and then oh no your hand brushed against something go back to the bathroom and wash your hands for the 10th time this hour. Typing something nope type it over again, nope your can’t use that word. Trying to get a spoon or fork try again not that one. I am tired but I cannot complain because it is all my fault and I screwed up and now I am having to deal with the consequences. 

Trigger warning for eating issues ahead so don’t read further if that is an issue. 

I am struggling to eat and anything I eat I feel super super guilty and eating is literally making me panic and scared and I ate something which really scared me because it was late and I was tired and didn’t have time to cook and now I feel like I just should not have eaten and I feel so guilty and it is making the ocd worse and I am just really not sure how to cope with this. 

[BryanaCamp]

hey @Eden1919 sorry to hear you're struggling at the moment. I hope the worst of it passes soon.

It certainly does sound like the OCD is making it very difficult & slow going to achieve any practical task. It must be hard to get anything done - don't have OCD so I can only imagine how painful it is. I have psychotic symptoms that make it hard for me to connect to reality & get stuff done like showering, dishes and so on. So in that way, I know how frustrating & unpleasant it is when symptoms get in the way of tasks & goals.

It's good you ate something. Well done. Try not to feel guilty. I have the opposite situation at the moment - there is so much rich, xmas food around I've been eating loads. I've had a nasty injury which spikes my mh symptoms so that's made me do a lot of confort eating. I have a healthy BMI though so I can afford to which is good.

On a lighter note, I've really pleased to have been invited to a NY's do. It's 43 C here today so I'm just going to try to get thru that today before I decide if I'll go to the party or have an early night at home on the 31st. Have you got any plans?

[Eden1919]

@BryanaCamp  I am just very worried because I didnt actually manage to reduce the ocd myself last time when it was very bad something happened and as a coincidence the ocd got better but that is a long story but if i didnt actually manage it last time then it makes me feel worried that it will go back to how it was before and the thought of that is exhausting and also makes me think other things will also get worse. 

as for the eating it is getting harder and harder and i am trying to keep everything under control but i dont know that i can if i am honest with myself. 

I have no plans at all for new year i hope your party is fun. 

[BryanaCamp]

hang in there @Eden1919 . Maybe cut yourself some slack & recognise that you're doing really well in a very tough situation. 

Xmas-NY is a very tough & rough time for everyone with mental health & family/social issues. So perhaps this time & its' stresses have triggered some of your symptoms? (It sure has for me). That's a logical explanation. Following that logic, when this triggery time of year passes, it follows that all our symptoms may recede. Once the new year is under way & the pressure dissipates & we return to our routines. I sure hope my crap mental health will settle down by, say, Jan 6th.

In the meantime I'm just in a holding pattern, coping with psychotic symptoms as best I can.

I'm talking aloud to myself a lot which is not a good look in public, very damaging to my reputation. I went for a run this morning at my local park and I was talking to myself with accompanying facial expressions & gesticulations...not a good look to be the neighbourhood, unstable schizophrenic...but I figure, fuck it, this is a difficult time of year & they can just suck it up.

I get that you're anxious about the ocd getting bigger & that you worry you can't fix it alone this time. Maybe. But maybe not. You're doing well at a rough time of year. I read on another thread that you didn't go to a stressful family situation & I was really proud of you - that's not easy, way to go!

I get that ocd and ED possibly feel out of control for you right now. But conversely, I see your strengths. Here they come: You've managed to post on the forum, you managed to read my post, you've manged to reply, you've managed to eat something; You're managing without your family; You're managing without the predictable routine of uni classes & classmates & assignment deadlines. You're managing mate.

I don't know how you cope without meds but you do. That demonstrates a bunch of coping mechanisms and character strengths. From what I've read you're juggling ocd, ED, schizoeffective disorder and possibly borderline personality disorder? (or did I get that wrong, I may be confusing you with my BPD or others). Plus you're on your own in a student apartment.

I'm an independent, fighting spirit too. I live alone & choose to be estranged from family. I just gotta. Don't feel like there's any other option. 

If it helps to talk about your symptoms here, go ahead & share. I reckon the ocd & ED are mighty nasty at the moment but it may be due to this environmental factor of the xmas-NY stress.

My NY party brings up all kinds of inter-personal conflicts, betrayals and hurts so I don't know if I can even make it. I hope to make it but dunno. 

[Eden1919]

@BryanaCamp  Thank you sorry for the late reply I am not trying to ignore you I am just dealing with some fire related issues and I am exhausted. 

I am really not coping but but no one is and there is nothing anyone can do. 

[BryanaCamp]

hey @Eden1919 . You're welcome.

Hang in there, keep safe.

Do what you have to to survive. You're doing well in a tough situation.

I'm located south, far from bushfire risk. But I get it.

[Eden1919]

Argh I typed a whole reply and then the screen jumped and I was clicking post and it instead canceled  I guess my feelings will have to wait until tomorrow; 

[Eden1919]

Ugh I am having a hard time with this psychologist I can’t tell her certain things and I know that makes it difficult and it isn’t her fault but at the same time her questions are making me so frustrated because ugh well it is complicated why but I don’t know what to do. Plus everything is getting super intense and I want to scream and cry and I can’t even explain it here.