In a bad way right now. Don't know what to do. Again.

[Jlol]

Hi all.
(Im ok, not going to do anything, etc, etc. Sorry mods I've forgotten all things you've asked to put up here)
I've been off the forums for a while due to the negativity I've (personally) experienced, but am at the point where I need to do *something* about my spiraling mental health. 
I can't go to hospital and can't call support numbers becuase I (personally) don't trust them. Same with seeing a shrink. And before anyone says anything, no I'm not suggesting others shouldn't trust the MH profession, but I don't for my own personal reasons.

The fact is I'm losing the fight. I look back on my life and just see so much sadness. I look back and see so many points in my past where I think I should've been better or "if only I tried a little bit harder". But the fact is I was - I was doing the best I could do at the time. And it wasn't enough. 

I feel so much sadness around the family I wanted to have, but never could. So much sadness about how the people I loved got worn out by me. Of the friends that have given up and gone away.

I feel so much sadness seeing how life has just become so narrowed down. From one day being surrounded by commnity and friends, then a few, then none at all. From being with a partner, planning a future and a family, coming home to a house that was lived in, to nothing at all. Everything is just so lonely now.

I don't want to say I failed at life because I don't think I ever had an equal starting ground to begin with. But I kinda wish that I wasn't so foolish enough to think that I was ever "normal" and could expect normal things.

[rav3n]

hey @Jlol, it's nice to see you again!!

i absolutely hear how it can be hard to trust and feel safe reaching out to certain spaces, especially when you've had poor experiences in the past. we really appreciate your strength in reaching out here - we're here for you, and we're rooting for you 💙

it sounds like there's a lot of grief around losing the community and future plans you once had. i know how incredibly painful it can be, and it's okay to mourn it. take your time to feel and process it. although you can't change the past, you absolutely can change the future and rebuild the community you once had. maybe with the same people, maybe with some new ones.

it's never too late to make a change. it's never too late to try again. it's never too late to turn a new leaf. 

you're not foolish for wanting or believing you'd have a 'normal' life. at first, i desperately wanted a normal life too... but in the last few years i've realised that a 'normal' life wouldn't actually satisfy me. maybe it would satisfy my family to see that, but it wouldn't feel authentic to me. 

struggling does not mean you're failing at life. you're doing the best you can with where you're at, and that means a lot. 

outta curiousity, what type of life do you want for yourself?

[Jlol]

Thanks @rav3n 

"outta curiousity, what type of life do you want for yourself?"

That's a pretty hard question, but I guess the short answer would be "one where I am respected and loved".

[Appleblossom]

Hey @Jlol 

There aint a level playing field. 

take care

apple

[Dimity]

Yep @Jlol as @Appleblossom said life's unfair. I hear your sadness and loneliness and loss and echo it.

Hey here we are in the same place on the same day. 

Hope you've been safe in the wild weather some have been having.

Hello @rav3n . 

I reckon mutual support is a glimmer of the love and respect we can offer. Not sure if @AuntGlow could add to that.

[EternalFlower]

hi @Jlol missed ur posts and understand u had to leave for diff reasons. can't say i haven't felt the same at times

i have had those sad and worthless thoughts so much that they nearly ate me alive

i have had to be very careful who i share them with - not everyone is safe

i can't promise this is a "safe" space but all i wanted to suggest is soetimes our brains try and hurt us and tell us we can't get out

there is often a problem NOT wthin us, like a lack of safety, someone hurting or making un unsafe, and to protect ourselves we turn completely and utterly on ourselves with hatred

i think ur doing a good job. not just saying that to be nice, i  believe it.

[Jlol]

Thanks @EternalFlower 
Yeah I really struggle with the whole "brains trying to hurt us" thing. I feel like, I am my brain and it is me. How can something that is me do something separetly to hurt me? This is a concept that has been brought up by many people over the years many times and I just don't get it.

Similar with positive/negative self-talk. I never, internally, say anything negative about myself. Or positive for that matter. I just, well, am.
Perhaps the problem I have is that I am not introspective and just react to my environment? Kinda feels that way. If I get hungry, I eat. If I get tired, I sleep. If something sad happens, I feel sad. It seems so strange to me that there are any other ways of existing. Are there? Are other people able to control these things?

[RachSANECEO]

you could give RecoveryClub a go? https://www.sane.org/recovery-club

[EternalFlower]

@Jlol fully relate to that. I'm struggling with the same. I've been beating myself up completely for a year. But all it did was make me less confident and more attractive to predators. i fully relate, i'm so sorry, just standing with u.

[Jlol]

Thanks @RachSANECEO,

But do you know (I assume you do being the CEO haha) if we can do it anonymously? I don't want to get into any strife for talking about the "S" word