I can’t cope

[Captain24]

So lunch with my bestie was hard. She has so much going on. Her dad’s partner doesn’t want her living on the property. Her sister is jealous and has uninvited her to Christmas. Her kids are not allowed to play with my beauties son. The only person that is welcoming of her son is her dad. He is only 8 or 9, so he is old enough to see what is happening but he doesn’t understand why everyone is being so mean to him or his mum. 

She had a job for three weeks but got terminated today. 

So lunch was full on. She then question why I was sick and what made it happen. She said obviously I don’t want to end my life because I’m still here. She doesn’t understand. She was totally dismissive and I didn’t even bring myself up in conversation. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

That certainly sounds so hard. 

I'm wondering if there is so much going on for her so that she doesn't have the slightest idea what you are experiencing at the moment?

I vaguely remember hearing that when a person is clouded by their own issues, they cannot see beyond the cloudiness.

Does that mean your bestie is living on the property of her own dad and his partner? Is that what you mean?

[Captain24]

Her dad has a farm @tyme. There is two houses in the property. She lives about 1km from her dad’s house. His partner is not wanting her on the property, he said it’s half his property so he has a say who lives on it. 

Her family is really messed up. I’ve been out of the loop since she moved to Melbourne but now that she is back I’m dragged into it. 

She is very self-centred, but that’s the way she has always been. I think she thinks my problems aren’t as bad as hers as I don’t have a particular trigger and my life looks good in the outside. I was pretty hurt but I need to think of her. 

[tyme]

It sounds like this is where your boundary-setting and assertiveness comes in @Captain24 otherwise you'll both be dragged down into the pit.

At this time, you might only be able to take small 'doses' of her, esp as she is a little all over the shop right now.

What I found with friends and people around you is that you connect with each one on a different level and for different things. 

You may connect with someone on a deep level when you are feeling down because they are most helpful; then, when you feel like chillaxing, you pick a different person (even a work colleague).

It doesn't mean one friend is 'better' than the other. It just means you know who you can reach out to at the time you need it.

Hence the idea of the social circle, as opposed to the one.

[Captain24]

She did want me to go out there on the weekend but I said I can’t @tyme. what if her dad comes up or worse even, his partner turns but. That would be too much for me. So I guess that’s a boundary that I have put in place. 

I think I need to be careful around her. It’s left me feeling really invalidated and questioning myself. Am I a bad person? Am I just overreacting to my life? Should I be ok because my life looks good? Do I just end my life because I’m not worth it? It would make things easier. 

Catastrophic thinking…  

[tyme]

No one has the right to underestimate the pain people may be experiencing just because their life 'looks good'.

I can say this from experience. And the comments from judgmental people REALLY hurt. 

There is no 'should' in this matter. 

You are experiencing what you are experiencing and no one can tell you otherwise. @Captain24 

It doesn't make you a bad person. 

In life, everything is relative. If her problems are 'big', there are others whose problems are even bigger. 

Sorry to get fired up. I just don't think anyone has the right to tell someone how much pain they are experiencing. 

Anyway, I'm going to have to go, but I'll catch you tomorrow!

[Captain24]

It really did hurt. I had the same thing happen in hospital, but coming from my best friend just made it even worse. 

Thanks for getting fired up. It makes me feel validated and that you get it. Which I’m sorry about. 

Have a good isn’t and I’ll talk tomorrow @tyme 

[Captain24]

I have a CM appointment in half an hour. I don’t want to go. She will say I’m ok when I’m not. My SH thoughts are so high. I’m doing my best to ignore them but it’s getting harder. 

I have had my first shower since I finished work Tuesday morning. It took all I had to get in there.

I just want to be in bed. I hate everything (except my dogs obviously) and don’t want to be part of this world. My passive SI is really strong too. 

I don’t want to go. 

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Captain24 Good on you for managing to take that shower, I'm hearing that it took a lot of strength and resolve. Did you feel a bit better afterwards?

It sounds like you're using a lot of strength right now in trying to ignore these thoughts, so it's understandable that you be not wanting to go out and expend any more energy, especially when you feel like you're going to be invalidated. Is the appointment near you at least?

Let me know how you get on, I'll be around 💜

[Captain24]

I didn’t feel any better after the shower @Ru-bee.

She listened in my appointment (it’s

 under 10mins away) and said she was glad that I have dropped the mask. When I told her that I nearly didn’t come she knew how bad things were. She never asked about my safety. 

She has been transferred to another department so I see her in December but not sure what happens after that. I guess I just get kicked out because they are short staffed and no one is available. 

Im feeling really rejected and unwanted. 

Im exhausted, I can’t keep resisting. It’s getting too hard.