I can’t cope

[Captain24]

That sounds nice @tyme. I love being in the coast. The water is beautiful. 

Sounds like you have a full bed. At least she would be tired and may sleep well. 

The roads get dusty so we have a water cart that drives around to put water on them to stop the dust. 

The two of them have been lying on my lap. 

So she’s finally rubbing off on you! I hope you are ok with it? 

[tyme]

Ooo @Captain24 ! Cool job! 

How'd you get into the industry? Sounds fascinating. And do they run 24/7?

[Captain24]

They just advertised for trainees and my old work mates made me apply. @tyme. I didn’t want the job but I’m now glad that I got it and took it. 

The shut at 6pm on Christmas Eve and open at 6pm Boxing Day. That is the only time they are shut. They shut for 48 hours a year! 

I think I might just go to bed. I’ve taken meds but I’m not even sure what I took. It’s all safe though! I wish they had have given me the right sleep meds. It would just make going to sleep so much easier. And waking up easier. 

My thoughts have turned really dark. I have urges which aren’t helpful. I’m tired of being like this. I thought that I’d last a little while after coming out but in saying that, I wasn’t really well when I came out. 

Oh… my emails still aren’t working. If it just me then I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m not worth the bother 

[tyme]

Yes, this time seemed different @Captain24 .

I wonder if the pervasive thoughts are linked to EDs? 

When we first met, you had thoughts, but they weren't so pervasive and strong, and there was movement which linked more to BPD and rapid cycling bipolar symptoms... but now... it's different. 

I wonder what your psych says?

Whatever it is, it doesn't mean it will remain this way forever. I am a firm believer in hope and that things will improve.

You are amazing as you are. I don't want you ever to think you are a bother.

[Captain24]

Everything seems different @tyme. My whole world seems different. The world just keeps getting darker.

My moods and thoughts have been getting so much worse over the last year or so. I think meds have controlled the rapid cycling. I’m just getting deeper and deeper into that dark rabbit hole. 

My hospital stay was different but I was in a different place when I went in. It was a different course. I did get some insights out of it though and an awesome psych. The hospital rang today to see how I was settling back in and I told them the truth. They were shocked and didn’t know what to say. 

My ED is coming forward again. I’m starting to check things constantly. 

With the removal of my anti-depressant I have become less angry. Anger is associated with bipolar mania. 

Maybe after seeing the GP in 2 weeks I can get the right meds and maybe that will help. 

[tyme]

In a way, I wonder if the admission was left too late this time? @Captain24 

You are right. You were in a much darker place when you went in.

I'm glad the hospital calls to check-in with you. I know it's a private clinic, but even then, it's nice they do that.

Can you not see your GP any earlier? It seems like things are just dragging. But I don't know. So I guess the meds are doing SOMETHING... whether they are 'right' is a different matter.

PLEASE, if you need additional help, reach out earlier. It seems that once things go down down down, it takes a lot longer to bounce back from.

I'm here for you.

Hugs.

[Captain24]

Yeah. I think it was too late @tyme but I can only go when I have enough time off work. I’m trying to work out the logistics of the next one. Also my psych won’t be facilitating at the start of the year so I want to wait until she does it. It’ll be better having the behind the scene help. It might make it easier. 

My GP only works 2 days a week and he is always booked out. I have to try and call on Tuesday to get my scripts written out correctly. Maybe with the right meds it’ll make things a little better. 

I look at my safety plan regularly and I try and do some of it frequently. Plus I know I need to reach out quicker. With my new psych I will have better support. We will make some progress for when things get tough. She even made me give her a name of someone she can call if she is concerned for my safety. My old one has no contact and never once suggested hospital. Since this one works at the hospital I will have to fight to stay out. 

It is tough coming back, when I lose it too far I kinda give up. I’m trying to do things so I have an achievement for the day. Today was getting up early and going to get dad’s birthday cake and I walked the dogs. Plus I’ve done some washing and tidying up. If it warms up I would like to spend some time in the sun. I am working hard on the self-care thing. 

[Captain24]

Don’t you hate it when you need to go into town but the roads in the shopping area are closed and there is an extra 5000+ people in town! 

[tyme]

Heya @Captain24 ! Great to see you!

Oh! It must be tourist time in your area??? Is it the Grand Final? Or is it a fete or something?

Missing you 🙂

I reckon that in real life, we would hang out just fine. Today is a sunny say here in Melb and I'm quite chirpy.

As for your MH, I hope things work out so you get the time off that you need for your own MH. To be honest, MH comes first. I know we all need money, but it was a genuinely scary place with how dark things have been.

You know we care.

I look forward to continuing to see you go onwards and upwards. Good on you for hanging in there.

Hi Pix and Jett!

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme.

There is a food and wine festival on and tourists come from everywhere. There will be over 7000 people go there, including locals. We are going out for dinner for dad’s birthday. Getting a park is going to be hard and it’s going to be mega busy. 

I reckon we would too. It’d be interesting if we ever met. 

It was a scary place but I have moments now where it feels like I’m going there again but I am having more moments that are controllable. Im just hoping that I’ve got this. I just need to go forward a step or two. 

Pix and Jett are close by. They don’t let me out of their site! They were stoked that I took them for a walk this morning. 

How have you been? Sorry.. it’s been all about me!