I’m still trying to find out about my admission. I just can’t get anything from them. It was hard the first time around. I’m going to try emailing them tomorrow and see if I can get anywhere with them.
Dad has to have a hip replacement. If it’s when I’m suppose to be in hospital then I can’t go as I have to look after their dog. As it is I’m going to have to take time off work for them to go to appointments.
Im feeling a little resentful. At least mum said that they would try to get everything done on my days off. I’m hoping it works that way. I have enough of my own stuff and have re-established boundaries and I don’t want them blurred again. Selfish me thinking of myself.
Im already dangerously close to crisis level, anymore and I will fall over the edge. Now I’m catastrophising. I know it but I can’t stop it. I feel like everything is spiralling out of control.
I did go to the Irish dance show. It was amazing. They are so talented. The speed that their feet move and without missing a tap. The precision is amazing. The skill that is involved is unbelievable. I know how to do most of the steps just nowhere near as clean and obviously so much slower.
Im in bed trying to go to sleep. I haven’t had any meds tonight either. I didn’t trust myself. This is becoming a habit and a not healthy one. I need them to help me sleep and try and regulate myself. I need to find that middle ground where it’s not a risk.
This is where I need someone that cares for me to be able to help. But I have never been good enough for anyone to want to be a part of my life. I did have a boyfriend once and I asked him if he could ever see himself loving me and he said no. I should have known, I wasn’t loveable as I kid why would I be loveable as an adult. So since I discovered that I realised that all I was any use for was just one thing, I knew my actual place in the world.
It doesn’t matter though. I’m better off alone most of the time. Just would be nice to have someone care for me and help me through crisis moments. But I guess that’s just someone else I wouldn’t feel good enough for.
I have to get up in the morning and go to the Anzac March. I’m not going to the dawn service just the mid morning one. I’ve hardly been out of bed in 2 days. I actually spent 20 hrs in bed minus feeding the dogs and taking them outside to go to the bath room. I have to spend all day tomorrow out of bed. I just want to stay here and never get out. I want to just go to sleep and not wake up. I’m not lucky though so that won’t happen. The thought of giving it a nudge has crossed my mind more than I care to admit and more recently than I care to say.
I really don't like who I am when I’m like this. I’m self centred and not a nice person. I don’t want to live like this and I just wish it would all be over. If only there wasn’t a tomorrow. Yes good days may be around the corner but I feel
like I will always end up back here in the darkness once again. The dark, the self hate, the numbness, the hopelessness, the fear, the shame.
Thats a long ramble but it does feel good to get some stuff out.
Thank you if you actually do read this. If you do sorry for wasting your time.
PS.. I’ll just say I’m safe.
