Lived Experience Forum

[D1ng0]

Good morning, everyone... well, not a good morning for me, but I hope you're doing okay. I'll put most of my post under a trigger warning, just to be safe.

TW: Transphobia, suicide baiting, anxiety, depression, sexual harassment and threats of sexual violence, general threats, etc.

Content/trigger warning

(I have tried to be kinda vague in my language, while also still describing the issue that I need support for. Mods, please do edit this post you think it could be triggering even with the content warning. Thanks in advance for your objectivity and for keeping the forums safe for everyone.)

This isn't the first time I've received online abuse, but it has been a while, so my defences were lowered. It's hit me really hard. I try not to think about how awful some people can be, because dwelling on this stuff can be soul-crushing, which means that nasty incidents really stand out.

Without going into too much detail, I'm practically safe at the moment, if not emotionally safe. I've blocked this person and they can't reach me again. I won't be receiving any more hate mail. So I'm just making this post to try and deal with what I've already received.

This person sent me a long message telling me that I'm disgusting, I deserve to die and all trans people deserve to be dead, I'm delusional for transitioning (never mind that delusions are an actual diagnosable thing, but I digress), and I should be ashamed to be trans. They used anti-trans slurs, too.

Now, I know that none of this is true. I worked very hard in therapy to ensure that transitioning wouldn't be a mistake... if anything, I was overly cautious when I should've just gone with my gut. I have no regrets, I love myself and my body, and I know that this person is clearly wrong. I am in no doubt that I made the right choice. I was born this way, my gender dysphoria was not going away unless I transitioned, and living as my most authentic self is (usually) so peaceful. I would not give up my real body, or my real life, for anything. My gender is one of the most solid, established, secure, and stable things about me. I am finished doing the work to figure out who I am.

To put it simply, this hate mail does not make me doubt myself or my transition. It just makes me feel unsafe. It makes me trust people less.

In the past, I have received this kind of abuse. I have been threatened with corrective rape and beatings to "fix" my trans identity. I have been suicide baited several times. I have been told that I should hurt myself, I don't deserve to be alive, I am stupid, I am worthless, I am a lemming just following a trend, etc. I don't believe any of it. None of this awful stuff makes me doubt who/what I am. It just makes me severely anxious.

Like most people suffering from chronic pain, I am dealing with a lot of mental health struggles. Since the event which caused my pain, my anxiety and depression has been severe. This abusive person has made me feel worse. More anxious, because being told such horrific things is frightening, and more depressed, because I expected that this would happen eventually. I figured that abuse and threats would be directed at me again. It was only a matter of time. The fact that my doom-and-gloom prediction turned out to be correct makes the hopelessness pretty strong. I'm already incredibly isolated and, although that isolation is awful, my anxiety is telling me to just stay isolated so I'm safer. In fact, my anxiety is telling me that I should isolate myself more. I know it won't help, but that's what my inner voice is telling me.

I guess, some sympathy or empathy would be nice? I just feel awful. Receiving vile hate mail before dawn has really put a damper on my day.

Thanks in advance for replying. I hope you're doing alright.

[NatureLover]

OMG @D1ng0 ! I am shocked and appalled - no-one should have to receive that 😮

I am just so sorry you've received that. What is wrong with some people, that they feel and write such evil things? 😢

I hope you are OK and can take extra care of yourself today and in the coming days...

[D1ng0]

Morning @NatureLover, thank you for the kind words, I really appreciate it. Feels good to have someone else recognise how nasty this kind of thing is. In the past, when I have sought support for hate mail and online abuse, I've been told that it's my fault for disclosing my gender history on any platform, and I should expect to be harassed. So it's reassuring for someone to put the blame on the actual wrongdoer, if that makes sense.

I'm not really sure how to feel better, I'm hoping folks in this forum space will help 🙂

Hope you have a good day and are doing well.

[NatureLover]

It is absolutely not your fault for disclosing your gender history anywhere you want to, @D1ng0 . The hate in people for transgender people defies belief - I mean, why??! Wouldn't they want someone to be happy in their body? And what business is it of theirs anyway? How does it threaten them in any way? I just don't understand the hate towards trans people. 😢

People who express hate and abuse and even threats (OMG! What you wrote! 😮 ) to trans people are very, very wrong. 

Can you nurture yourself today? A hot bath with bubble bath, a nice food treat if that's what you like, some slow private time, whatever you like that says "I matter and I'm vaulable".

Sending care... 

[D1ng0]

Thank you @NatureLover, that is really nice to hear from someone else.

I can definitely understand people having little or no knowledge about trans and gender-diverse people. I don't even mind answering questions which are asked in an accidentally-offensive way, as long as the intent is good and the offence wasn't meant, y'know? I try to be really patient with people and avoid assuming the worst of others. But abusive stuff like this undoes all of that work and makes me very afraid. It helps that you recognise how awful this hate mail is. That reminds me that this kind of hate isn't the norm, and other people can recognise that too.

I'll have a think about what self care things I can do. I need to be careful around using food that way, since I'm in bulimia nervosa recovery, and emotional eating poses risk. (It's a great suggestion though, just difficult in my circumstances.)

Thank you for the kind words 🙂

[NatureLover]

OMG, I'm so sorry I suggested food 😢 Please ignore! @D1ng0 Oh gosh, I hope I haven't triggered you, please forgive me if so 😣

I'm sorry you feel afraid - you shouldn't have to be. No, that kind of hate isn't normal, isn't healthy, isn't right. 

That's a good point about people hating what they don't understand, sadly. But I always think, there's no excuse - I educated myself about transgender issues, it's easy to do these days with the internet. (Of course, there's always so much more to learn, I'm not saying I know it all by any means)

The hate seems to be about a closed mind, and more than that - not recognising that they have peace in their own body, so why shouldn't everyone? Doing to others what you'd want them to do to you, I mean. 

Hoping you can find some nurturing things to do for yourself in the coming days... 🤞

[D1ng0]

@NatureLover Nah no worries at all, your intent was good. And I didn't include my ED diagnosis in the post, so you wouldn't have known.

Thank you, genuinely. It does help to hear that in such plain terms. I still feel very low but it's calming to talk about it and call it out.

Thank you for the work you have done to learn, it's reassuring to me. I think we're all learning, whether we're in the LGBTQ+ community or not. I know I've had to learn a lot, myself... I like to say that I was born with gender dysphoria, but I wasn't born with an LGBTQ+ dictionary in my head. There should definitely be space made for mistakes and growth, for all of us.

Thank you for reminding me that not everyone is malicious, and that abusive comments aren't the norm... it's helpful this morning 😅 

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @D1ng0 I have known some local trans folk and they experienced the same thing as you. You should not have to live this way.  I would encourage you not to open the e-mails or read hate mail posted to you. Its designed to hurt. They want to hook you. Don't let them have the upper hand.  You could archive you e-mails in a separate list and use it against them legally.

There are new hate laws emerging around the world now for trans people. I think Scotland and Canada.  Possibly coming to Australia so hold onto the messages you get.

Are you able to get into a local community to support you? My friends were involved with the pagan community and there was acceptance and safe people there. My friends also had bipolar and schizophrenia.

I hope you can feel better today.  There are people like this out there and they blindly attack trans people because they are very uneducated and fearful

I don't think that comment from someone issuing personal blame to you is alltogether welcome. I have found a bigot will seek you out no matter where you live or whether or not you have taken tight measures to protect yourself.

I use energetic detox if I've been around someone negative. I have a selenite wand that I pass through my aura which lifts off what I've picked up from other people. I also use a Remove Negative Energy audio from Sapien Medicine on you tube which eliminates the ill-feeling in my mind and body. I don't know if all his audios are back up online as they were removed but you may still be able to find them there or on Patreon. Solfeggio frequencies also clear my aura and just get rid of anything that is around my energy field. Many of the Solfeggios on you tube are not true to their frequency so you may be interested in buying an mp3 from a trusted seller who does the real thing.

All in all I'm sorry this has happened. I don't know what the lesson in this is but it will make you look at ways of developing psychic protection of some sort and an awareness of how someones negative energy can impact you. Have you read the book "The Four Agreements"? There is some sage advice in the book to put into practice higher self belief compared to oppressors. It will give you greater strength in the road ahead.

I have also used Healing Sounds practices from the Taoist tradition to lift the vibration from my body where its housed in the organs. By doing this daily you remove all toxic energy and allow it to be recycled so it does not impact you. There are different sounds for each organ of the body and body movements. It works like a release valve on a pressure cooker so you can cope.

Good luck with everything. Once again I am really sorry you are being faced with these awful people. 

[D1ng0]

Hey @SmilingGecko, thank you for your support. I don't believe in auras or psychic energy. However, I'm glad you find comfort in that worldview, and thank you for the kind-hearted recommendations.

[SmilingGecko]

@D1ng0 thats ok luv. I thought I would mention anyway. Ultimately we have to find ways of coping that sits well within us. Feel free to keep in touch. I'm just a keystroke away! I hope the cloud lifts for you this afternoon ❤️ We are all here to support you.