Being misstreated

[Troubled_One]

Hi justanother47yr,

I understand your idea of slant in the family I feel my brother is trusted by my mother but not in the family.

Yes we can not change people but we can certainly tell them how we feel. I see you are doing this with your family and try for them to see your point of view. I have this trouble with my mother, no matter how much I try get through to her she needs to stand up for me in the family she just does not seem to and goes back to taking my brothers side because this is the way it has always been so he will not get negative behaviour from my father and I. I am ready for a change but they do not seem to be coming to the party.

I feel my mother was not a good enough mother but to say this to her is bad because she has done so much for her kids but can not see the extra pain she puts me through from the things that did not happen such as communication and trust.

As for seperating from parents I wish I couldn but my mother has a wierd love quadrant between the family and seperates everyones emotions and feelings not as a family and has instilled trust in my brother seperate from my family which has made him pretty much ignore me so is no use in me trying to talk to him seperate.

You said you have seperate problems from your family but for me my problems are emotionally and feelings based and when no one in the family wants get along and over the years you feel betrayed and decieved you feel horribly depressed and all problems. I call upon @kristin to help me through this?

[PeppiPatty]

:0)
thanks. @kristin is very good and has hands on experience whereas I'm a bit jaded. :0)
you picked that up!! clever man

[Troubled_One]

Hey justanother47yr,

Guess what? I took your advice and only moments ago spoke to my brother for the first time in over 10 years. It was weird we got along well and he was happy to have the family to come together to talk.

Good on you and thankyou!

[PeppiPatty]

thank you.....but am mindful that this is you and your journey. your experience is completely individual.
My only suggestion was to stay in the present and be yourself.........
you are the one that's showing all of us here that you can 'listen' to others and take onboard what can work for you. This is from very thoughtful therapy that you have had the maturity to take onboard!!

We are all interested, your story is amazing

Like everyone here, we have our own individual stories. So proud of you though :0) I actually just told my good friend that someone I was writing to on a website just called his brother after 10 years and he said, that's very cool!!

[Troubled_One]

Oh yes ofcourse. I find as a family to stay in the present is very important and for me to stay in the present.

[Troubled_One]

I am having a meeting with my family in two days on teusday and was wondering any advice until then to remain calm about my family and trying to live with my father until then.

My father is very touchy and its like you can not make a bad move around him with out him knowing.

He knows we are meeting on teusday and I feel like he is doing everything in his power to do the opposite to make things work?

@CherryBomb@kristin@shanc@Alessandra1992@-karma-@peace@PeppiPatty  and anyone else I missed.

[blithe]

Hi there @Troubled_One,

Waiting is the worst, isn't it! Especially when it's for something very emotional like your upcoming meeting wiith your family. It's wise of you to seek out ways to stay calm. You mentioned that your dad is very attuned to what's going on around him, so hopefully if you can remain calm, he'll pick up on that too.

Are there any particular things you've done in the past that helped you destress or calm your mind? If you have a smartphone, there are actually some great and free apps you can get which offer mindfulness exercises that can help you to calm your mind. My personal favourite is the Headspace app. It's simple to use, it shows you how to do a 10 minute mindfulness exercise each day. If that's not your cup of tea, then other things you find soothing might also help - a soothing bath, patting your pet if you have one, or just taking a minute each time you feel stressed to stop and take 10 long, slow deep breaths.

If you're really feeling wound up, and you want someone to talk to before Tuesday, you could give Lifeline a call on 13 11 14. They're there at any time to talk, and the counsellor would I'm sure be able to chat with you and offer some techniques to calm yourself.

I hope your meeting with your family on Tuesday goes well.

Kind regards,

blithe

[kristin]

Hey @Troubled_One 

Good for you, you have been reconnecting with famliy and working on trying to foster some healthier dynamics. That is amazing, well done.

If some mindfulness stuff works for you it sounds like it would be a good time to use it. That way you won't be too overwhelmed anticipating Tuesday. Would it help you to get out of the house and go for a walk to get some space from your dad's watchfulness/anxiety?

It might also give you a bit of time to reflect on what is important for you in the meeting, for instance how you will stay grounded through it. What is the most important thing you need to communicate, and how might you do that in a way they can hear? BTW I hope you read this in the morning as I don't want you thinking about it throught the night - I hope you can get some good sleep.

I think one of the most important things to remember is you can only bring yourself, your goodwill and love, your openness to this meeting. The others bring what they bring. You are not responsible for them. Would it help for you all to agree some ground rules to start with? For example - if anyone is really feeling upset all take a break for 20 minutes to allow calming down time. (I know that sounds a lot, but I read somewhere this is needed to allow for people to be back to rational after being overwhelmed emotionally.)

Another thing is where are you meeting? Inside around a table can be good, but sometimes outside or even on a walk can be helpful. I find talking with men especially is so much better when walking, guys seem to be opened up by the movement somehow. I also find it calming to walk and talk. The activity removes some of the stress which can build up.

Anyway these are just a few garbled thoughts. If any of them are some use I will be very pleased. I take my hat off to you for the investment you are making in trying to help grow these relationships in a new direction. I hope the others come on board.

Hope for improving family relationships endures...

Kindest regards, 

Kristin

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Troubled_One
Good to hear from you.
blithe is very clever on advice hey?

Your Dad, without sounding negative but doesn't sound like he's coping with his defences.

Idle want those memories to go away too.

So why don't you focus on you having a good support system on the phone with lifeline ?
Call your brother or email that your looking forward to seeing him ...... He would like that....
Write lists on what you would like addressed
Looking at the positives on having your brother back in your life
What you can tell him about what your doing in your life.
Where you would like you and your brother to go/do together
DVDs you both could watch.

[Troubled_One]

Hi blithe, @blithe I will definetly try and do some relaxation through today monday and see if it helps. The problem is I have never felt like this, not having any emotion or feeling only waiting for this, before I was living on some hope now it is just 100% waiting.

Hi kristin, @kristin Thank you for your knowledge kristin. I will be meeting at my mothers where there is a table and chairs inside. All of what you said makes complete sense.

Hi justanother47yr, @PeppiPatty Yes it is very hard coping around my father wiith him knowing the meeting is on and he seems to be holding back all of his emotion and feeling. It just sucks that it seems like I have to wait for it to happen before it can work. So to me I do not know what to say and do.

I have thought about calling my brother, mother but I do not know what to say, I do not want to ruin anything that we have already set.

I am pretty sure on what to say and have written it down.

I am thinking of my family in mind but I am hoping the positives outweigh the negatives.