Being misstreated

[Troubled_One]

I thought I would mention that in sight of all of this there is some key details I have not mentioned.

I asked my mother and father about how they felt about my brothers feelings coming in to the family, this was before I contacted my brother in the last 10 years.

My mother said are you sure this is going to work and my father said he would shut up.

I thought I could solve it by calling my brother and speaking to him directly and getting him to come down to talk about things in the family. I thought that it would all work out but I still feel it is not and because of the reasons I just said.

Any help @PeppiPatty@Alessandra1992@kristin would be greatly appreciated, I know how much you have all put in for me already.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear lee,

Haven't forgotten you but I've been busy with my life then my dog, 'Arlo,' had been needing me /0) because he's had an operation

My friend, could you list down your part of this twisty story. Forget who's given you advise or have suggested you to do something.

Like this way.

For example :

1 Date. 2 . Activity or action. 3 Outcome
Like :

1: 3 November, 1966. 2; I called my mother
I said.........
She said..........

3: I felt sad that she answered angrily.

Or you could write

1: 2 November, 1966 2: spoke to my Dad. He was quiet but went into the dining room after I finished telling him about this last phone conversation with Mum.

3: I felt he was passive, I felt he was letting other people tell him what to do. It made me feel like wanting him to shake him because he will not change I felt and I still Feel confused. Must take this to Psychologist.

End of example.

So do you think you can do this Lee ?

It's not about remembering who did what and advising who to who but its about you giving yourself reason about owning what work you have done.

I can only tell you this in that You have given me bits of confidence in that I have gotten official go ahead to care for A little girl in crisis every Friday. I'm not writing ' it's you who's done this but your willingness to take advise and read different messages, acknowledge others and me : work through others dilemmas (and my stuff ) has given me a bit of the confidence to do something I've wanted to do.
So I can own where I've moved. Can you own what good stuff you have done in your family but also acknowledge where you have acted well?

[Troubled_One]

Hey anne.

I have dates and all on everything, I will not go back to all dates but give you a good estimate.

So,

In the first place after living with my dad for two months I get parents to say they trust me, and everything was running as smooth as it could with my dad. About two months later I called my brother on the 17/03/2015, which is listed in this thread.

About a month before I only just thought of my brother and wanted him to come down and say he trusted the family. After about a week of talking to him he agreed to do this, so on the 24/03/2015 we would meet.

On the wednesday 18/03/2015 I was talking to my mother and was urgent for my brother to come down, but did not tell my mother this (usually she picks up on things when I want them but this time she did not)

I spoke to my brother on a thursday and he said he could only make it down next tuesday 24/03/2015 and I said I do not feel like that is going to work for me.

In that time he spoke to my mother and my mother messaged me friday and said, I know you want your brother to come down on sunday but it will have to be teusday, because she was busy she said. In the end I decided tuesday was what I would have to go with, but I wish I had of realised why tuesday was not right and have resolved it at the time.

I told my father friday that my brother was coming down and I noticed he changed his behaviour to me. I took note of this but did not make to big a concern about it. We met on tuesday and said we trusted each other but it felt like it was not meant the same as when my parents said it to me at my fathers.

I realise now that my father did not want to wait for tuesday because that did not suit me. I thought he would understand it but now I look back I do not think he did, because his behaviour changed to me.

I look back as well and I think if I lived with my mother I would have seen her change her behaviour as well, but because I do not live with her I did not get to see this only her say that tuesday would work, on the phone.

I trusted my family and thought it would work out, but I feel that the reasons I stated in my last post are why generally why it did not.

And my parents just argue with me about it and think I am wanting everything my way and I do not know what I am talking about and to stop thinking about it, but they do not see things from my POV only that I am a pain in the ass to them.

BTW, I am gald you are doing what you are doing and its great you are hanging out with your dog arlo.

[Troubled_One]

So anyway, @PeppiPatty

That was a big story? lol

I rang lifeline and the guy gave me a good understanding of what I am doing. Basically I am seeing love my way and forcing that, and the more I force it the worse it gets. As @kristin said the more the push the further people go away from you.

I am trying to understand that, and I guess getting my whole story out on the forums has helped me do this.

[Alessandra1992]

Hey @Troubled_One
I have been following your journey and I am wondering whether perhaps you might like to consider slowing down?
I read that you are super keen to have your family trust each other and acknowledge each other's differences..and ultimately have an open and honest and loving relationship with your brother, your mum and your dad..
What I am reading is that your brother is in contact with you, your mum is in contact with you and your dad lives with you.
To me it looks as though everyone is trying, which I think is wonderful. It may be you are not getting the responses you want, but maybe, time and practice talking with family and it might..

Credit yourself with progress Lee, your family are listening to you ( and not agreeing with you is pretty typical in most families)...

Hope this makes sense ..
Hope for healthy communication for everyone..

[Troubled_One]

Hey @Alessandra1992 yes I have slowed down as I have gone through this process.

I thought I would post this message as I kind of had a epiphany on what I have been doing wrong. Basically I have had all these memories and ideas on what has happened and feelings attached to these, as I have slowly worked through it all I have realised that I am not giving my brother of all the opportunity to say how he feels.

I guess maybe this is the process we had to get to know each other more, idk, but I realised yesterday after calling lifeline again and my mother that I need to stop and ask how my brother feels, or just let things be.

I think this is the basis of my problem. I am hoping to speak to my brother tonight.

[Troubled_One]

I thought I would update this thread, that I was hoping to speak to my brother tonight, to say that I never gave him the opportunity to say how he feels, but just like this whole process he is one step ahead and brushed me off.

I did not like this and rang lifeline again.

The guy was really understanding and said I am doing the right things I just need to give it time.

I am going to try and do this, lets see how I go. 😕

[Alessandra1992]

Perhaps you might wait and see if your brother calls you in the next week or so..sometimes @Troubled_One
Our family members can feel very pressured when we try to explore family dynamics and make sense of our relationships...in the spirit of emphasising what is..your brother speak to you on the phone and if you keep that fact in mind..maybe he will call you up next? Often it is overwhelming for family members to suddenly start talking about feelings and trust and love. These are huge topics if your family hasn't talked openly about them before....it is okay for your brother to not want to talk about the same topics as you, maybe he is still getting used to the idea of what you want to talk about...take care Lee, I think you are heading in a healthy direction!! Warm hugs for you!!

[PeppiPatty]

Hi Lee

You are working so hard ..... @Alessandra1992 is a clever lady suggesting to have a break ....
I'm personally just going to let you know that my big thing is that you and your brother are in touch. I wonder if this was your thing all along with the trust thing.
I've spent many a night on lifeline.

Thanks for your list of your actions too. It feels like if you read it you can start owning all the hard work You have done.

My dog Arlo had an operation last week. The vet who performed the operation was practically crying telling me how ill he was when I picked him up from the last owners. The vet did the operation ...... Working for over an hour for very little pay to get him better. I had been taking him to a different vets trying to work out what was wrong and am so so grateful.

When my help, Silver Chain comes tomorrow ille be able to start a wall mural with a clear head .... Not concerned about Arlo

Keep on writing ......

Anne