Can someone help me understand what "acceptance" is?

[Jlol]

I've heard this phrase a lot, even from therapists. But no ones been able to properly explain what it means (or, more probably, I just don't understand them). 

To me it feels like 'accepting' a bad situation or thought. "Yep, this is how things are and they'll never change". This just seems wrong to me. Wrong the we just accept something that negatively impacts our lives, and wrong that we encourage a defeatist attitude.

To take it a step further (and due warning here: I feel like this is tin foil hat territory), it feels like this attitude is encouraged by the powers-that-be/ruling classes to stop us rocking the boat and changing anything. "I'm struggling to save a deposit to buy a house one day and its getting me down" - Accept it. "I work really hard at my job but still struggle to make ends meet and its very stressful" - Accept it.

I dunno, just feels so wrong to me.

[MJG017]

Hi @Jlol 

I have had similar issues with this term over the past 2 and a bit years.  But over time, i see it more as, yes, 'accepting' something bad has happened or is happening... but it doesn't mean it will never change so we just give up.

For me, its more about accepting that yes, something bad has happened that I can change.  But the 'accepting' bit itself is not about accepting the bad thing or feelings but knowing that there are things we can't control and finding ways to deal with it.  Sometimes it may mean we can't go back to how things used to be so accept that and find new ways to be.

In your own example about saving for a deposit... acceptance isn't about giving up on it, its about acknowledging that the current housing climate makes it more difficult that it's probably ever been, that it's harder for most people now.  You can't control that.  So the acceptance is saying to yourself "Okay, I can't change the current housing situation, so what can I do to work towards my goal.  What can I change or do to get me towards that deposit?"  To me, that's what acceptance is.  Know what you can and can't control, and shifting your focus to those things you can control.  Back to your example, someone just thinking "oh, it's impossible now, what's the point of trying?!" isn't 'accepting' the situation, it's giving up.  Acknowledging it's hard and different now to what it was in the past and then thinking about what you can do differently to adjust is what acceptance means.  To me anyway.  It may not solve anything, but you haven't just given up.  You've accepted a situation that is out of your control and you've decided to focus on coming up with a plan to adjust which gives you a far better chance for success when compared to just giving up.

[Dimity]

Hello @Jlol 

Thanks for that take on acceptance @MJG017 . It makes sense in terms of childhood trauma as wel asl your example of the current housing crisis. What's done is history so rumination and recriminations aren't very helpful, it's better to try to move forward and bend the narrative. But some of us find ourselves stuck. We need a hand to reinvent ourselves. 

@Jlol there are books on selfhelp using acceptance and commitment therapy.  I know because I bought one. But it's buried somewhere and I haven't used it...

[Trans22]

I've recently spend 36 nights in a mental health hospital.  "Acceptance" was about accepting things that are outside your control.  You can only hope to control _your_ words, thoughts, actions, etc.  At least was what I understood from the introduction to "Acceptance & Commitment Therapy".

[Jlol]

Thanks @MJG017 

That's a good analogy. 

I understand we must work within our restrictions. I do struggle with it though, eg where you say "I can't change the current housing situation". But if everyone said that, nothing would get done right?

I think one of the best, and most under appreciated, achievements humans have had in recent years is collectively healing the ozone layer. You might remember in the 70s, 80s, and 90s there was a concern that certain gasses (from leaded petrol and air conditioning, mostly) were affecting the ozone layer in the atmosphere. Collectively humans got together and banned leaded petrol and CFCs. And it worked.

To me that runs in contradiction to "acceptance". Sure, no average person could have single handedly made the world move away from CFCs and lead, but together we all did by protesting, writing to representatives, supporting science, etc. What if we all just said "I accept I have no power over this situation"? I bet there were many people, for example, who refused to "accept" they would have to drive a lead guzzling car and urged automakers to develop unleaded engines.

I guess that's were I struggle with this the most. 

Many thanks

[MJG017]

@Jlol 

If i recall correctly, it was basically down to one man in the late 60s / early 70s who lobbied and lobbied the US government to ban leaded petrol.  He was told over and over that it was fine.  But he persisted, presenting data showing the increase over time in the lead levels in people and the dangers it has.  He just kept trying and presenting more and more proof until they finally banned it.  So it doesn't necessarily take a whole bunch of people.  Just someone to say this is wrong and i'm going to do everything i can to change it!

So many things in history were 'just the way things are' until one person said no.  and more people joined them.  Of course, not everything is this big or global, but it is big to the person experiencing it so it's just a similar idea... accept what you can't control about a situation and focus on what you can.

So for me, when i was diagnosed with a serious health condition a couple of years ago, it took me quite a while to accept that life was now changed... I couldn't go back to life without this condition hanging over me.  So i had to find a way to work out what this 'new life' looked like and I adjusted.  It doesn't always mean a tough situation is solved, but at least you're then not making it worse by stressing about aspects of it that you can't change.  Sometimes we can see what it is with a situation we can change.  So we can decide to accept that or look for something.  This may be when a person decides to reach out for support which can be so difficult the first time.