Lived Experience Forum

[Eggshellntiptoe]

Can anyone explain the mechanisms behind taking frustrations, anxiety, anger out on the ones who love you?

I hold a steady job and interact with all sorts of people and conduct myself in a professional way.

I work 7 days on 7 days off.

I get home and feel like............ well I dont know what I feel?????

I am quick to jump down people throats and the smallest thing may set me off.

I am BPD and this symptom is a major hinderance in my life and the people around me.

If I could start to understand this single issue better it would help me to improve.

I just want to go home and be a happy person.    

[BlueBay]

Hi @Eggshellntiptoe
I'm BPD too. I can be so different at work but yet at home I'm a real b##ch from hell. I don't know why still trying to work on that.
Are you seeing someone to help you?

[Kurra]

Hi @Eggshellntiptoe

My brain's a bit foggy as I've just got home from work. I think one of the reasons is that at home most people let down their guard as they start to relax. As a result it's easier to just be you. If you're tired, the likelihood of flying off the handle is a lot more likely.

I'll get back to you later. It's been a long and extremely busy night.l need to get to bed. Sorry but my eyes are closinģ even though I'm trying to keep them open. Hugzzz 😴

[Eggshellntiptoe]

@BlueBay I am just trying to work out who to see. My BPD is so destructive.

Have tried councilling but have not gelled with a particular counciller enough to keep it up. I also have found councilling to make things more confusing at times. I also have them telling be alot of what I already know which is demoralising.

I need someone to help me just need to work out who, when where how why what.... etc...

[Former-Member]

Hey @Eggshellntiptoe

I'm just wondering if you have done or looked in DBT. It is a very prescribed therapy but maybe that is what you are looking for. You would learn skills and then learn to adapt them yo your situation. It seems emotion regulation dealing with home life is your biggest trigger. If you can't do the program maybe you can find a therapist who could hone in the specifics you need to make some changes you are wanting in your life. I have BPD traits and struggled with DBT when i did it but have just asked to do it again as I think I'm ready for those specific things now. 

I'm not sure if this helps but it is much more of a how, who, why approach. There are self-help DBT resources online too. Wishing you luck with this.

[Appleblossom]

I think it has something to do with feeling pressured to work far harder than is comfortable ... accumulating stress and not feeling appreciated by the other party who also might be working far harder than is comfortable for them.

For some reason a lot of us are doing it.

For the last 30 years I have worked from home so I dont have a home/work divide.

I treated my family well and kindly and tried to put their needs first, but ended up in a dynamic where I was totally dismissed as "crazy" by my exhusband, but still had to keep loving and working in conditions that felt like physical and psychological extreme torture.   About a couple of times every 3 years I would spit the dummy big time. I have been told I am very patient and too patient a lot .. but not by immediate family .. they find it easier not to acknowledge that ... I have tried to patiently and in clear English, to explain my needs to prevent flare up events... abc leads to xyz .. it has not worked. People dont seem to care enough about me to limit hurtful or draining behaviours .. or it is just not in their make up .. they just dont know how to do it . . I have had to accept my awful warts and theirs ... and still keep steering our ship in best direction.... as I do love my children.  I also have tried changing myself (not them) so much I twisted myself out of shape .. 

I do think we need to reduce the stress we put ourselves and loved ones under ... 

I let things go a lot ... is that dropping standards ... that should not be dropped ??? I dont know ... Its mostly in household fussiness ... that I let go .. none of my kids had a lot of illnesses or broken bones so I suspect  overall I made reasonable calls and invested my energy as wisely as possible. They just are not mature enough to recognise that yet.

I am not often snappy .. but I was just after the American election .. got depressed and cranky .. I had to apologise to my son ... 

I see anger in the family as a full tank of frustration ... in a family system ... others might be getting more "pleasure" and not willing to share their booty ...  currently learning about specific dynamics and power relations in primates ...

[Eggshellntiptoe]

@Former-MemberThank you for the suggestion. can you briefly explain what Dialectical behavior therapy is? How has it helped you? I am only starting  to getting my head around the fact I have an MI. 

could you please describe the BPD traits that you have displayed or are coping with.  

[Former-Member]

hello eggshellntiptoe I have experienced this from family members several times in my life.
Personally I think it might be as a result of them holding feelings in, not communicating their true feelings in a calm way, their boundaries are let down somewhat with familiar people, especially those they love and trust, so without intending to their pent up feelings come out in the wrong way. hope that makes sense it does to me just hard to put into words without rambling as I often do.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Eggshellntiptoe, 

im just writing this so you know I haven't  forgotten. I have been wanting to give you a decent answer and have just been struggling to think clearly for the last few days.

My BPD traits include impulsivity, huge fear of abandonment, I struggle to regulate my emotions and my family have worn much of it in the past. I'm slowly getting better at that part though although yesterday I went straight to react with my 16 yr old son and then thought about it and sorted it out with him calmly. I over react to everything and over think everything. Most of my anger gets turned inwards especially in recent history where I have often self harmed because I can't deal with the emotional intensity or distress. 

DBT focuses on distress tolerance (ways to manage the intensity and distress when worked up), emotion regulation, mindfulness and interpersonal effectiveness (people skills basically). Of those I have found that I want to revisit some of the distress tolerance and emotion regulation skills. It's is not a cure for BPD and you will still have similar reactions to things but it's more about helping you to handle them differently so you keep your relationships stronger. Over time and practice the theory is that you will replace the ways you deal with things like anger with more effective ways. I hope this helps.

just thought I'd tag @Change123 as well as she might be able to help too.  

Feel free to ask anymore questions. And sorry for the delayed response. 

[BlueBay]

Hi @Eggshellntiptoe
I googled DBT therapy in my area and found some. I phoned the place and asked lots of questions eg cost, length of DBT group therapy etc.
I agree with @Former-Member. I am so much like how she describes herself.
@Former-Member has explained DBT perfectly. It just takes time to go through the therapy and then put it into practice.
Let us know how you go. And don't forget we're here for you.