Lived Experience Forum

[Slim]

Hello all. My name is Slim  

I have been battling depression fo quite a few years now (Probably a lot longer than I care to admit), and after discussing my "Situation" with a psycologist, the conclusion is, there is also PTSD and some anxiety mixed in for good measure. I've tried meds and found the side effects weren't to my liking. (SSRI & SNRI seem to just make me worse). Trying the counselling path at the moment however dont feel im making headway with dealing with the demons in my head. Thanks to several violent events which occured whilst working, the PTSD has added to the mix. Im extremely angry with law enforcement, where i was treated as a criminal and not a victim. I've just recently experienced a breakdown of a long term relationship where the person I needed in my life betrayed my trust (seems all her family and friends now know my issues and mental health problems) and decided I wasnt worth her time, finding the arms (and bed) of another man, even tho we were supposed to be in a commited relationship. Im pretty much on my own. Painfully walked away from most of my friends. The only family i see on a regular basis tell me to "get over it". Have reached a point where I cant talk to friends as most people I've found turn their back when you ask for help. I do have a couple of friends I can talk to however I fell like I'm burdoning them, and I'm almost at a point that I see no way forward. I recently took a big step into a work environment which is totally new, and I'm not coping. I cannot see an end to all of this and I reguarly scare myself with some of my own thoughts. I worry daily I will follow through with those thoughts, yet fell so lonley that no-one will notice and feel it appears the only way to end the pain. Dont know what to do, where to turn. Things I enjoyed years ago are a chore. Alcohol is becoming a common place within my daily life, I seem to live from day to day. sometimes hour to hour.

Just wish I was normal again

.........

[Heart]

Good morning @Slim. So glad you have joined us. SSRI and SNRI do take time to work and yes some people find the side effects hard to cope with. Counselling is a great idea and once again does take time.

You will find supportive and helpful people on this forum.

You have experienced alot recently. The friends who do understand what you are going through sounds like they are true friend. If they are they will listen to you and offer help where needed. Even if it is just and ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Unfortuneately alot of people don't have a great understanding of depression, anxiety and other mental health condictions, but on this forum you will find people who do totally understand as we have all experience any or many of mental health condictions. Work can be a good distraction with depression but working out how to do both with out ending up burning out is a tricky one. Living hour to hour, sound very farmilar as this is what gets me through alot of the time.

Please watch the alcohol as this may add to your problems. I understand that it can be a great numbing tool.

Does your work know of your PTSD? 

Keep in touch and take care.

[Sahara]

Hi @Slim,

it sounds like you have been through a lot of turmoil lately. I'm glad you are getting counselling, as I think it aways helps to get things off your chest and have someone understanding to confide in. I think a lot of people who begin counselling find that it takes some time to make progress... you have to build up trust in your counsellor and do a lot of soul-searching, too. If you stick with the process you should find it will be beneficial in the long term.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety myself.... it's extremely distressing and it does feel like things will never improve - but they do. About 10 years ago, I was in your shoes. I could not see a way out. I had no support in my life, either, other than professional help. Thankfully, I stuck with that help and I did fight my way back to normality.

That's good that you have a few supportive friends to talk to. Please don't worry about feeling like you are a burden to them! They are adults and they can cope; if not, then they will have to be the ones to tell you where their boundaries lie. I think every depressed person goes through a stage where they feel like they are a burden to others, but this is just the depression talking - it warps your thinking.

Your family don't understand mental illness - neither did mine. It might help if you give them some brochures on depression and anxiety to read through, if they are interested. I know it's very lonely when your family make you feel like you are 'making it up' and tell you to 'snap out of it', as though you could snap out of diabetes or asthma! Depression is an illness, it's not just negative thinking or having a bad day. Most of the general population have no idea what it's like for sufferers. 

Personally, I found it best to only talk about my illness to those people in my life who did show me empathy.

As for drinking alcohol to cope, I can absolutely relate to that too. 

@Slim, you may like to go back to your doctor and try one of the other classes of antidepressants that are out there, rather than SSRI's or SNRI's. It can take a few goes to find the right medication... everyone is different and what works for some does not work for others. Do not give up.

If you need to, you can call Lifeline 13 11 14 and speak to someone now... I have done this in the past and it really helped me get through. Please write back and let us know how you are going.

[Ellu]

Dear Slim,

You mention that you "scare yourself with your own thoughts". I know exactly what thoughts you are talking about, and if you ever feel that you are going to act on them ring the beyondblue helpline or lifeline straight away. There are people there with experience who will talk with you and help you get through these bad times. It is so important to stay around, because you have a whole future in front of you, even though you don't feel like it.

Who is prescribing your medications? If I were you I would ask for a referal to a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is an expert in medications - there are literally hundreds out there, and if one sort doesn't suit you then another might. You might have to be patient in this process as it sometimes takes weeks for medications to start to take effect, and you may have to try a mixture of medications to suit your personal requirements.

It is an awful situation to be in with your girlfriend and with your firiends and family turning their backs on you. I am glad you re seing a psychologist to help you through this. The way that friends and family behave is born of ignorance. They wouldn't tell someone with a broken leg to "get over it". Maybe you could get hold of some of SANE or beyondblue's pamphlets explaining depression so that your family and friends can see what you are dealing with.

You say you wish you were normal - you will be, once you have sorted out the medication and talked things through. I had my first experience of depression when I was 15. I am 63 now and well - see, there is a future for you! Please believe in yourself, and believe that things will not always be like this.

I hope we will continue to see you around the forums. You will find plenty of like-minded people here, and we will all try to support you in any way we can.

Ellu

[Slim]

Thankyou for your reply Heart.

Has been a rough week. Feel like im on the edge of a cliff and its a struggle not to take the extra step.. I am no longer in the industry where I "suffered" the incidents leading to the PTSD. Am worried if I notify them I will be forced to make a claim and then I will be un-employable. Just like Back and muscular injuries, mental health work claims lead to labeling and unemplyment ques.

Work as a distraction isn't working either. Jumped in too fast into an industry which was totally new to me and feel overwhelmed. Also this industry is extremely difficult to get good hours.. So money worries are compounding the problem.

Am considering going back onto meds.. Councilling doesn't seem to be working and this time of the year isn't making anything better. Can't get my mind to shut down at night so haven't had a good night sleep in 6 - 12 months. Some nights I'm waking in the middle of the night and just lying there with all the crap going around in my head.

Some days it appears too easy to say enough is enough.

Will be coming back to this forum reguarly. Thanks for your comments..

Slim

[Slim]

Hi Sahara. Thanks for your reply.

I am definitely going to enquire with the Dr about other med options. I have run out of psychologist appts (Mental health plan). Am not quite sure about my councillor. Some appts i feel she is partly judgemental (She is a young woman mid to late 20's) and I am a late 40's male. Had a couple of "weird" moments when I commented on my anger about my ex and her actions.. I also commented about the difficulty with getting hours at work - which is leading to financial issues - and her dismissive response was 'Well get another Job". Well jobs are a little thin here in South Australia. Also it makes me feel like a quitter to leave what has been an investment of time and money to get this far (Cet 3 quals). Unfortunately If I knew then what I knew now I couldn't have followed this employment path. Am considering my options and hopefully find a better employer in the new year.

Not quite sure how i'm going to get through this crazy time of year. Definately not feeling festive. 

Thanks for your interest.. Will continue to be floating around the forums

Slim

[Slim]

Hello Ellu. Thanks for your reply.

I will be discussing the Psychiatrist angle with my Dr. Tried several SSRI's a couple of years ago and gave each a couple of months to take effect. They weren't for me. Middle of last year I re-visited the meds issue with another Dr at the clinic and I was put on SNRI's and after a couple of months the side effects weren't worth the trouble. Then I tried the Psychologist. it was semi helpful however hit rock bottom in the beginning of the year when My ex decided to tell all her friends and family about my "Mental health issues". Worse part is that within her employment sector (Cant say exacty which field will only make me as bad as her) confidentiality and privacy are paramount. Cant think she is that good at her job if she cant keep her partners issues private. This has led to confidence and trust issues. I don't trust anybody anymore. Some days I'm so angry and Some days i find myself so deflated I just want to.. well i fight myself and keep moving forward. It worries me that I will loose that mental fight one day. I'm late 40's and I seem to... just exist.. feels like no point.Also had a few dreams that are worrysome. Not sure what to read into them.. Do you find counselling and psychologists work??? I'm not sure about mine.. (Probably have read in my other replies)

Thanks again for your reply

Slim

[Heart]

Good morning @Slim, Is there an option to go part time or cut back a few hour in the industry of work you are in to ease the pressure? I understand the labelling but there are some employers who do understand (like mine who I am lucky to say is wonderful). Jumping into something new can be overwhelming at the best of time but by the sound of things you also had a lot more to deal with at the same time. Yes money worries are also adding to how you are feeling as well.

Going back on meds in not a bad idea. Can you remember the ones that gave you side effects so you can inform your GP about them. Just keep in mind they can take a while to start working. Is it the counselling or the counsellor? You may need to change counsellors to find someone who you can trust and relate to better. Not connectting with your counsellor may be adding to your issues.

Shutting your mind down of a night can be very hard to do. Not getting enough sleep is very much Not helping you. Do you like to read? If so find yourself a good book and when you wake of a night read. This may help to stop your mind going over crap that it shouldn't. You may also wish to speak to your GP about that aswell. 

I am sorry for not getting back to you earlier as we had to very bad storms here yesterday arvo one after the other. Internet and power surging, was not nice but all good, no damage.

When things get tough there is also phone counselling though lifeline that may be worth considering for you when you can't sleep. They are a 24hr service. 

Take care and speak soon:)

[Sahara]

Hi @Slim,

I agree with what others have said here... you may like to find yourself a different counsellor. If you go back to your G.P. for a mental health plan review, then ask to be referred to someone more mature, even a male counsellor, if you prefer. 

When you wrote that your counsellor was a young woman in her 20's, while you are in your 40's and male... I could kind of see this might be an issue. Just as an example; I am a woman in my 40's and there is no way I would want to talk about my issues with a young guy in his 20's!! Personally, that would not be a good fit for me.... I would really struggle to believe that he could see where I was coming from on a personal level. But that's just me. Other women might be fine with it.

As for your ex partner talking about your mental health with her family and friends.... I can understand how you would feel betrayed by this. I know it's difficult, but I guess, you know, at least she didn't publish it in the papers! Or write a 'memoir'.

The thing is: women talk. It's what we do. We don't know any better way to make sense of our reality. Your ex-partner probably has issues of her own and needs to get them off her chest. In the context of getting them off her chest, she would have to talk about her relationship with you. Hence, she would mention your mental health. Try not to take it as a personal attack. She may have been reasonably sympathetic in the things she said. 

I know I have told my female friends everything about my relationship with my ex. They show genuine concern, but they don't hate my ex-partner, or anything like that. They never critisize him or anything. It takes two to tango- and everyone has their faults, I mean, obviously I did some things that were wrong, too; it wasn't all my ex. 

Having said that, it's pretty likely that friends and family are going to more or less "take her side". It's what friends and family do.

But you can turn to your own friends. 

Let us know how you are going. 

[Ellu]

Dear Slim,

You are in an awful place right now, especially with everyone else gearing up for Christmas and the "season of goodwill". It makes it particularly hard that you haven't got the interest in participating. I am worried about you at this time of year - it is so easy to just give up and be done with it. Well don't give up, because one day you WILL feel better and then you will be glad you made it through all this. If things get on top of you then ring the Helpline to talk to someone- you have no idea how much talking helps.

I keep coming back to finding a health professional you can trust. Obviously psychologists have not worked out for you. What about getting a referral to a psychiatrist from your GP? GPs can be fantastic, but they are generalists and don't specialise in mental health issues. Psychiatrists are medical doctors who have done years of psychiatric training as well, and they are the people best able to help with medications. You say you have tried various medications, but there are literally hundreds out there, and sometimes when a single medication doesn't help a combination does. I am on a combination of medications myself.

I see my psychiatrist not only for medication but also for "talk" therapy. He has helped me sort out some very difficult times in my life. I can't say that I am a fully well-adjusted individual (who is?) but through talking with my psychiatrist I have managed to get a grip on my life.

Ellu