Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Hello,

I'm in my 40s and have recently been diagnosed with bipolar depression. I have not been well for about a year now. I'm not sure what to make of this label and would just like to connect to people who live with bipolar and can share their experiences.

How did you learn about your illness, how did you accept the diagnosis and what has helped you along the way?

I just want my life back, I have always been a positive person with lots of energy. Now I'm just empty.

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Former-Member 

I dont know if I have Bipolar, but I had an uncle by marriage who did.  it is debilitting and I hope you find support here.  The one lady @Mazarita I know who is lovely and supportive on here with BP has gone away for a few weeks.

There are some discussions on the forum about the effects of having a diagnosis ... any diagnosis at all.

Hope you get support.

Take care and be kind to your self.

[-karma-]

Welcome @Former-Member

you are not alone here!

I thought you might like to read @MoonGal's poem on having a diagnosis of bi polar here;

http://www.saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/A-Poem-On-living-with-bi-polar-affective-disorder/m-p/34360/highlight/true#M5202

Some of our newest members, @Kurra and @Silenus also live with this diagnosis, find their post here;

http://www.saneforums.org/t5/Our-experience-stories/Hi-new-here-with-dysthymia/td-p/63274/highlight/true

I hope this helps you get 'started' in talking to others.

Best wishes

Karma

[Kurra]

@Former-Member

I can imagine how you feel about your recent bipolar diagnosis.  It's pretty confusing to start with, to say the least.

There is one really important thing to remember. Bipolar is just a word. It hasn't changed you. You are the same petson as you were before you were diagnosed.

I was diagnosed when I was involuntarily hospitalised.  The details aren't important but it was a rather dramatic episod.

One thing that really helped me was keeping a journal.  I listed everything I could think of that might affect my mood.  The foods I'd eaten, what time I got up, the people I'd talked to and what we'd discussed.  Of course the time I went to bed.  Eventually I noticed some patterns emerging and by going back over the previous days I started to notice that the signs of my mood changing although small were there but I didn't recognise them.  I then made a dot point list of the things I needed to watch out for.  I kept that journal for 18 months.   It took a lot of stubborn determination to bother doing it each day but the benefits have been immeasurable. 

Good Luck on your journey of discovery. 

Hugs

[BeeGee]

Hi Flower,

BPAD is a daunting diagnosis - but it doesn't have to define you.  Some people manage their condition without meds ( @Silenus is one such person - he has quite a story... with luck he might post some here?) but for most, mood stabilisers are the mainstay of treatment.  Antidepressants alone don't work, as while they do treat the depression, they also contribute to elevations and are likely to put you into mania.

The challenging aspect of treatment is that most sufferers actually really like the way they feel when elevated - especially if their elevations aren't always damaging; they feel energised, creative, powerful.  The problem is that most of these feelings are, to some degree, delusional.  Sure, they feel good - but for the most part they aren't completely real... they are a product of the condition.  Learning to live in a lower energy level can be really hard for many - but it's usually the way to get your life back.

Mood stabilisers even out the peaks and troughs to be more like "normal" - you will still have highs and lows, they just won't be the catastrophic extremes that BPAD produces.  When the meds are properly adjusted for you, you will feel more like what everyone else feels like.  Dealing with the resentment that the loss of the highs brings is part of the journey, and probably has different meaning for every person with the illness.

I wish you all the best in your journey.  Don't forget to lean on those who can help you!

[Former-Member]

Dear All,

Thank you so much for your replies! It means so much to have people here who can actually relate to this.

Do you also fight with the feeling of who are you if not the person you were all these years? I still feel very angry why I have to be changed to fit into those little socially acceptable little boxes (I have to admit that I had no manic episodes that put others or myself in danger, or at least I was lucky enough not to have been in any danger). I don't like the depression I am in for so long now, but I would like to be my energetic enthusiastic little self again.

How do you cope with being on medication at all times? What impact does that have on your life?

How did the treatment change your life?

I'm full of questions, sorry, I think I'm just worried about the future.

[MoonGal]

Hi @Former-Member, welcome to the forums. I have a diagnosis of Bipolar, formally diagnosed in 2014, but have lived with it all my life. Like someone else said - the diagnoses doesn;t change who we fundamentally are and have always been, it puts a label on a range of behaviours/moods. I was pretty devestated when the official label was applied, but that night my partner said "You are still Moongal, the same woman you were yesterday and will be tommorrow". 

I had 'mananged' with just anti depressants, Not very well managed, but at least the depression was kind of mitigated. Every one with a BPAD diagnoses is different, I happen to have a form that rapid cycles, so can have mood shifts in hours and days (not weeks and months) but that can still last weeks and months if that makes any sense at all! Th epoem Karma mentioned earlier speaks to my cycles and how it is for me.

I do not tolerate mood stabilisers, so have an anti-psychotic (although I very. very rarely have psychotic episodes - and when I do they are always preceded by some catalyst like an aneasthetic or pain medication following surgery or some other medication prescribed for bi polar that i cannot tolerate.) I have very very sensitive brain chemistry and the smallest change in meds can chuck me about like a plastic bag in a wind storm.

Anyways - that other thing that has helped is a variation of what @Kurra said about keeping a journal - I am not good at journalling, had to stop because I got obsessive about it, but what I do is go over my day before what might have checked me into ramping up or falling throught he floor. I was consitent with this enquiry - and eventually learned the triggers and things that might contribute to a deppressive or manic episode. I use a number of mental tools to help keep me balanced - one is the SILVER DIAL which I described here

For me the formal diagnoses has been both a good thing and a curse. I am slowly 'coming out" to more and more people (appropriately) and told my brother yesterday as the need arose.

Just remember... we are awesome people, brighter, creative, empathetic, sensitive... we have a lot of baggage to carry about, but must choose to put those heavy bags down as often as possible and have good times when we can. And we CAN have good times. All the bbest with your life journey and look forward to you being around the forums. 

[Kurra]

Hi @Former-Member,

I didn't need to fight with the feelings that medication would change my life.  My life had become so chaotic that I no longer had any control.   As I have BPAD 1 I would swing from fullblown mania to profound depression.   My first hospitalisation in Australia was because my depression had become so severe that became catatonic.  I say in Australia because I had had two lengthy hospitalisations in 2 different countries. 

I had reached a point where all I wanted was to be 'normal', where I wanted to be able to fit in to society.  Perhaps being in hospital for 8.5 months had something to do with that.  I wasn't diagnosed until I was 40 although my family have said that I changed enormously between the ages of 4 & 5.  

Medication has literally saved my life and I will happily take it until my dying day.  I now have a quality of life that I wouldn't sell for all the money in the world!  I still have my highs and lows but rarely do they become extreme. 

Keep asking questions.   Knowledge is important as you start to understand this label you now have.

Remember,  Flower is still the Flower you've always been. 

Hugs

[Silenus]

Hi @Former-Member. It's lovely to make your acquaintance.

Firstly, I would very much like to echo the thoughts of the other fine peeps on this thread. The diagnosis is just a label. It definitely does not change who you are and have always been.

Having said that, having a diagnosis label is an incredibly powerful and useful thing, IMHO. To me, knowledge is power. The more that I know about my condition, the better I am able to survive, and even thrive.

My journey through my own mental health issues has been made easier by having that label. It gives me something to focus on, to research. I can learn as much as possible from outside sources, and then compare it with what is actually going on inside my own thoughts and moods. Over time, I have been able to build up a fair bit of self knowledge, which helps me to understand what my triggers are, and how I can manage to live my life in a much more helpful way for myself and the loved ones around me.

Bipolar has a bit of a bad reputation. You hear about another movie star gone off the rails, and bipolar gets a major billing all too often...

I posted about my diagnosis trail in another thread here. (I hope the link works - first time I've tried it here on this forum)...

It's been a very interesting journey, and I have been lucky to share it with fellow mental health consumers. Our shared experiences and knowledge has helped make the journey very much easier.

Acceptance. That is perhaps one of the most important things in life, leading to an improved condition. I have learned much by accepting instead of fighting things I cannot change. It allows me to focus my energies on things that I can change, that I do have control over.

I wish you all of the very best in your journey. There is much wisdom and knowledge out there in the greater community.

Hugs and happy vibes beaming to you.

[Former-Member]

Hello everyone,

Thank you for sharing your stories. I just wanted to let you know that I am really grateful to know others have battled through this and are continuing to battling through this. I don't feel so alone.

I am exhausted and very confused at the moment, but I am so glad I found this community. I will have some time in the next few days to gather my thoughts and read through all your posts again and answer more detailed.

Step by step, baby steps.