Lived Experience Forum

[saltandpepper]

Had a nothing day today. Most of my days are nothing days anyway really. But it's got me thinking about the difference in the quality of life people experience. I've lived with MDD for over a decade and it shadows everything I do. I'm just thinking how different my experience with life is compared to others I guess. Some of my friends, they have their shit together, and it shows. A couple of close mates who know I struggle with depression have both admitted they don't understand because they've never experienced it (both incredibly supportive, just not able to relate). It always comes as a shock to think that this isn't what day-to-day life looks like for them. I don't know any other way. It's hard to believe other people aren't living like this.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about things. I'm looking back on today and just feel so pathetic. I am pathetic. My life is pathetic. I can't get anything done. It's always a battle, no matter what the task. I'll walk into the bathroom and stare at the shower trying to convince myself to just get in there, and sometimes I can't. I check my teeth in the mirror and see how terrible they've gotten, but I can't bring myself to brush them. Sometimes I struggle even to talk to people, engage, form words. Sometimes, I can't even manage to respond to my son. And I feel terrible admitting that. Most days I can't stay awake, I have to lie down and rest, I just get exhausted even though I don't do anything. Literally spent the entire day on the couch watching a show and then had a nap in the arvo. I bought this pizza thing at the bakery yesterday for tonights dinner. But I couldn't even be fu*ked getting up from the couch to chuck it in the oven, so I just didn't have dinner. Every little thing is an effort, even being awake is an effort.

My house is always a wreck. Piles of dishes, piles of clothes to wash, piles of shit just everywhere. I can never get on top of it all. It's been like this as long as i can remember. It doesn't really sink in until I go to a mates place and see they don't live like this.

I can't even manage the bare minimum here. I shouldn't need to give myself a pep talk just to take a fu*king shower. It shouldn't be a 2 hour long argument I have in my head. I just can't do anything. Not the small mundane basic daily shit, and definitely not anything else. I spent the day sitting on my ass feeling too drained to do anything at all. This is what it's like living with depression. It just fu*king sucks. Despite being heavily medicated and seeing a therapist fairly regularly, I still can't get off the couch. 

[Oaktree]

@saltandpepper 

Sounds a lot like my life except insert a husband and 2 adult children. I only brush my teeth if I am going somewhere so that doesn't happen on a daily. I am sorry because I know how hard it is to live this way. 

Meggle

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @saltandpepper 

I'm very sorry you are feeling this way.  Just a suggestion go here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9af5Mxzupw

I have used these audios with lots of success and you can read the testimonials of other people experiencing the same thing who could not get results previously.

Use with headphones and drink plenty of water is the recommendation.

Good luck and hope it works for you. This You Tube channel has saved my life on many occasions

Warmly,

S.G.

[SJT63]

@saltandpepper 

first and foremost, don't undersell the good you do on here. Just saying.

Nearly 30 years ago I had post natal depression. I didn't know I had it for quite some time, but one day I just turned up to a maternal and child health centre and tried to give them my kid; because I knew he'd be much better off without me.

hmmm, well that sent the nurses alarm bells into overdrive. I was treated and recovered, but it was not until I was well again that I realised how very sick I'd been. The thought processes that had seemed so logical at the time were as daft af when I was myself again. The anxiety attached stopped and I became productive again.

Piles of dishes, piles of clothes to wash, piles of shit just everywhere.... yeah we kinda live like that all time. For a long time I thought I was just lazy. Now I realise that I kinda sorta have a bit of depression most of the time. When I was proper sick I was very lucky to belong to a church community that actually practiced Christianity instead of just giving judgemental lip service to it. They had a roster of people looking after me and my family - doing housework, running the kids around, bringing us meals... 

I dip in and out of it depending on external stressors and since my old partner died in 2017 I've been stressed enough to not keep up with the cosmetic things like dishes and floors and toilets. Mr S washes the clothes and that's about his limit. I cook gourmet meals but usually don't get around to washing up until the weekend and then it takes 3 goes because you run out of drainer space.

I wade knee deep through dust bunnies and ice cream wrappers and tissues and wood shavings that have spilled out of his aeromodelling room - carving a path to the couch and casting Vera from my phone to the TV rather than actually sweep. That's not "normal". By lunchtime on the weekends I have nothing left. I give up and I "blurr" (as we call it) until I have to get up to cook dinner. When I am in perfect mental health I can keep going all day, so I know something's not quite right at present.

The Mr rarely washes. I have a job so I shower every day before work and on the weekend usually in the afternoon so I'm "clean" for him because he's aspy so smells are a issue. Today he sees the pdoc. I know he will change the clothes he's worked and slept in since last Friday (when I asked him to) but he may not wash. He's just had a course of antibiotics for an abcess in his tooth but he won't brush them. If there is a particular event on his evening agenda the Mr will "polish the pole" rather than actually get under running water. 

It's not just you its pretty much everyone with depression.

I have not been on top of my housework since about 1998. And I'm not being flippant, as we speak there are no unoccupied horizontal surfaces in my home and when I want to cook a meal this evening I will open a drawer, put the chopping board down and use that as bench space. We can't get to the dining table and if we could, all the chairs have stuff on them as well. There is room on the 5 seater couch for one bottom so we'll eat in shifts. It's pretty bad at the moment. At the moment I just don't care enough about myself or my environment. I have no more "f...s" to give as the Mr is using them all right now.

If showering is hard, what about what my old mum called a "top and tail", which meant filling the basin with warm soapy water and having a bit of sponge down with a flanel over the really grimy bits. Mum grew up in the 20's in the UK where you only had a proper bath once a week and "washed" in between. 

Anyway sweety, if there is still room for you to lie on the couch you're doing ok in my book.

Much love xxx

[frog]

Hey @saltandpepper just wanted to say I read your post.

You said it - It just fu*king sucks. I'm sorry it's so hard.

I'm not going to say I know what it's like, but I have battled something similar.

It never goes away but there are better and worse times for me.

Thinking of you.

[Anastasia]

(((((@saltandpepper @frog @SJT63 @SmilingGecko @Oaktree)))))

How lucky are we all to have each other *Amen 

[The-red-centaur]

@saltandpepper I see you I hear you and I know how much it sucks. I'm sorry it's so hard. You for this though, your smart and brave and a good friend here, and even though it's so hard your still making small wins, not everything, but some things like just getting out of bed to the couch can be a massive achievement some days.

I wish I had words to tell you it's all good, but I'm lie you Im no good at pep talks for me or others. But we are here for you and will walk alongside you. Take care mate.

[saltandpepper]

Thanks for the support folks @SmilingGecko @SJT63 @frog @Anastasia @The-red-centaur 

Yeah @frog just fu*king sucks mate.

@The-red-centaur your responses are always so kind and thoughtful, it makes me ache a bit that you won't show yourself that kindness.

Had a very terrible start to the day, despite my son being here. I just couldn't do any better for him. Got up, made him breakfast, then went back to bed. He came in later with his colouring books and textas and set up next to me on the bed. We stayed there til 12pm when he promptly reminded me it was time for lunch. I felt so guilty that I hadn't been able to do anything this morning. He just deserves so much better than what I'm capable of. Decided to get my ass into gear and took him to one of those kid play centre things. He played with a kid who was twice his age for about 2 hours straight. He was so happy and had such a good time, it made me feel better seeing that. Nothing lifts my spirits like seeing my boy playing and having fun. Very glad I made the effort for him in the end.

[saltandpepper]

I just feel like an absolute trash parent sometimes

[Anastasia]

Hey,

I very much doubt that is the case, a trash parent wouldn't take care of their son like you do. You pushed against all odds today and took him out. That is a huge achievement. Go YOU!

@saltandpepper