Life in a Loop

[PeppiPatty]

dear @Jacques,

You write to @hiddenite ....Karen....that you do not have anyone who depends on you and a smile went on my face......maybe no.....just all us forum people need your reassuring posts to read not just to us but read to Karen too! 

🐓🐦🐩🐶🐢🐣🐂🐤🐺🐐🐭

Yes @Jacques, I do care, very very care. 

Like all of us on Sane forums....prob. even the moderators, ive had an.....more than unusual spent times of growing older. But if we are both being honest here, I got therapy from the age of 24 twice per week for many years. 

Doesnt make me cleverer or anything. 

But im interested. Like, did you know someone wrote night time is when the crazy thlughts come out ? 

Raining, is it like your Father is crying from above? Can you write more on raining ? 

[Jacques]

Hi @Former-Member, thank you for the kind words, maybe one day i might reach out for help, who knows, yes their are some good people in the world, the trouble is trying to find them, i always seem to find the wrong ones, that is what made me want to isolate from society in th first place, taken advantage of too many times, and yes the world is a beautiful place, one of my biggest regrets was not making my father go back home to Germany with me, to show me where he was born, it is too late now, but i often find myself dreaming about what could have been.

@Former-Member you are a kind soul, i hope one day you are able to find peace, and you are able to peice your life back together, you so deserve it.

Thank you

Jacques

[Jacques]

as i said to @Former-Member a minute ago, maybe sometime in the future, i might look for some help, if i am unable to follow through with my planes, i will have no choice, but for the moment i am just too scared for change, my life it tollerable, i can put up with the way i live for the moment.

I don't think i do too much here, i am only talking, sometimes i think i make things worse for people on here, i find peace in the fact of knowing i am not alone, and their are so many nice people here.  Thank you all for trying to help, i just don't know if i want help, i gave up on life a long time ago, and have not changed my view point on wanting to be alive.

[Former-Member]

i'm glad that there is still hat possibility of you reaching out again. And I think you could still do that trip to Germany to see the places that your dad saw. A journey like that would be amazing.

I do know what you mean about isolating yourself from the fear of more of the same bad treatment from people. I think, even though i'm leaving the house, I dont really have any deep and meaning ful relationship with anyone... lol the person who knows me best is probably the psych that i've worked iwth the last few years! Sad!! I have superficial friendly relationships with collegues (i'm easy to get alone with 😄 and happy to have a chat in the staffroom etc!) but i find it really hard to open myself up to, or be available for any more than that. Ive only really realised that it was me putting up those walls in the last year or so. And i still have trouble believing that its not just that people somehow see some sort of evil badness imprinted on my forehead that warns them away first. But rational thinking and challenging has helped some of those thoughts to start to be easier to ... i dont know .... I think Cherrybomb mentioned thoughts having a certain volume (different context) but similar here where those thoughts are still there but i can choose to ignore them and consciously replace them with more rational ones.. maybe. Oh dear! I've gone off on a rant in your thread! Sorry! 

I do hope that i can sort of heal a bit further though.. im so tired of being lonely and the thought of being this isolated for ever is really hard. So we both should hold onto some hope for the future and never give up on working towards that 😄

LJ

[PeppiPatty]

actually @Jacques was last message to me ? I dont think I wrote for you to see a councellor or get help. As I'm a woman.... had no good backbone when growing up. I had a wonderful oppertunity to start Therapy at a young age and get through years and years of working my life out. For that Im incredibly grateful. 

Did mention how valuable your input is for me and i think can see for others. 

Yes,@lisajane is valuable too hey! 

[Jacques]

Oh Anne @PeppiPatty,

you would only miss me for a little while if i was not alive anymore, their are so many wonderful, kind people on here ,i would not be missed for too long.  That is so kind of you to care so much, and i am glad you seeked out treatment in your 20's, i have lost my 20's i spent my entire 20's literaly in one room of a house, i have experianced nothing in life, all because of fear, and it looks like my 30's are going to be the same.

i never thoguth of rain like that, i love the rain and lightning and thunder, i often go walking in the lightening, their is something beautful and frightning about it, and i love the rain, the smell the sound, where i live their is very little rain so maybe i cherish it more than most.

Anne try not to get too upset, i have had these plans in place for a long time, i am at peace with my decision, i just hope others would like me to be at peace too.

[PeppiPatty]

dearest @Jacques,

Okay then. Ille make a deal with you. Lets agree that you care deeply for Sane members and me too. 

That Im very interested in your experience

YOu are interested in why I did like I did and experience what I do now.  

That you keep on keeping on not realising how valuable you are.

Me too. 

When your ready to, you answer questions.

Am extremely proud of you 

am just going to let you know tthat im on the phone to my oldest son...... (!!!)

We are talking about over 10 years ago some very bad things happened to our very little family and how they affected all of us...not just him. 

[Jacques]

Dear Anne,

I feel like i a mreally upsetting you, i am sorry, i never meant to say any of this i am saying to anyone, i don't know why i am talking about it now.

I just can't see how me giving some encouragement makes any difference, they are just words, i mean them, but i didn't think they were that important to people.

i think i should have kept quiet about the SH, it may have triggered some people. i have made so many mistakes here too, that is why i don't want to re integrate into society, i am not capable of knowing what i should and should not say.  sometimes my thoughts betray me.

I am proud of you Anne for talking to your son, it must be very difficult thing to talk about such a traumatic past, sometimes it is good to debreif, to try and make sense of what happened to us.

I hope you and your son are able to work through your past. 

Jacques

[PeppiPatty]

You are not upsetting me.

I am very pleased that I spoke to my son.

Im going to have a sleep now but first ille celebrate by eating some dark chocolate 

[hiddenite]

Hey Jacques

if you knew what it took for me to find you again you wouldn't be speaking like this.

I get that its your choice and at the end of the day its your decision. By the way it's not something I would ever get over.

You have so much to offer society.

Don't forget ive even found a job for you.....

My husband had a german background we were always going to go over there to see where his dad grew up.

Jacques I don't know if you believe in coincidence but there is a reason why we found each other again. I wonder what you think.

There is a someone else that you touched and they will never forget you either and speaks very highly of you. Please never forget the lives you have touched.
stay safe and never underestimate how special you really are.
karen