Lived Experience Forum

[Jlol]

I'm 30 and have had a job of some sort since I was 13. Without a doubt each and every job I've had has made me super depressed.

When I was younger I used to think it was because the jobs sucked (they did - stacking shelves, waiting tables). But when I got more actual career based jobs it just got worse and worse.

Its at the point now that its really getting to me. I'm 30 and have tried many jobs but nothing has changed. I am getting older and more and more doors are closing.

The feeling is somewhat hard to describe. It's like being in jail for 5 of 7 days a week. During the week my days are a strict regime: get up, commute, work, commute, exercise, cook, clean, sleep. Certainly no time for any thing fun. Maybe 30 mins here and there if I'm lucky.

It's like during these 5 days I have no control over my life. It's run by the clock and by my boss.

The work it's self is stressful and I suck at it. Lack of motivation is a big factor here.

As for the money, I don't care about it. I don't have time to enjoy it anyway and most of it goes to tax so what's the point?

I don't know, just feeling the older I get the more trapped I am and the more desperate I am to get out.

[PurpleFlowers]

Hi @Jlol

Thanks for your post.  I relate to things you've mentioned (working from an early age, all sorts of jobs, then more career focused).  I have just recently had a three month stint in a very busy system and experienced depression and anxiety at very high levels at times.  On reflection, I have mental health issues, however, there was bullying behaviour, there was stressed out colleagues and where the environment itself is not conducive to wellbeing.  I notice that when I can have a fair bit of autonomy and space to work at my own pace I do a lot better.  When there is that pressured environment and where it never lets up much it is stiffling and feels like being locked in (acknowledging your feeling like being in jail).  I think it is very difficult to find work that doesnt have some stress factor but hopefully I will find something where I am not so affected I can barely function (and I am not willing to be medicated to fit the system- EVER)- which means shutting up and putting up with it or speaking up and being willing to risk the onslaught of bullying that may come).  I am looking around for something that may not be what I am trained in now just to have some peace of mind and feelings of wellbeing.  I think it is so awful to be somewhere where you feel so affected that you spend the rest of your time trying to get over it to just go back and go again...Yes I agree also with the fact that money is not important however we need a certain amount to function on reasonably.  Hang in there @Jlol, I think you will find many people feel similar but not many willing to say so.  You are not alone and I wish you well and hopefully you can one day find some work that makes you feel not so trapped and depressed.  Good luck..

[Sahara]

Hi @Jlol, 

I can relate to just about everything you've said. I also equate being at work with being in prison.... there was nothing I ever liked about working, except for the lunch break and then finally going home at the end of the day!

If you don't need the money, then I suggest you maybe take a part-time job instead of a full-time job. That way you can have more freedom to do the stuff you really like doing. Just 3 days of 'prison' per week and 4 days of having an enjoyable time. That's what I did for most of my working life. I got by on very little money and I found that I didn't really miss it.

The other thing you might like to think about is starting your own small business, so that you can work when you want do the things you really like. What are your interests/passions?  If you follow your heart, you should be able to find work that really interests you and that can be adapted to allow you your own business.... working from home or as a consultant. 

@Jlol, you are probably a very intelligent person who gets bored easily and who thinks outside the box.  You probably hate taking orders and instructions from your superiors, too. I know I always did.

The idea of 'going to work' is so ingrained in our culture.... there is very little understanding out there of people who don't fit the mould and who don't want to fit into traditional working roles.  Work has become so much a part of our identity that we now say our job title as though it's who we really are. It should not be this way.

You might like to explore the attitudes you learned from your family about work, when you were growing up.  Perhaps one of them was a workaholic, or alternatively one of them hated their job so much that is caused family stress? I'm not saying this had to have happened to you - I'm just giving some examples of situations that are common. 

Maybe you could benefit from talking to a counsellor about this. It's great that you are so young and still have your whole life ahead of you to decide what you might like to do.

[Nikolai]

Hi @Jlol

I completely understand where you are coming from on this too.

My first job as a teenager was at a supermarket, I was really unhappy with the job and thought once I got a different job everything would be better. And it was, for a time, and then I became the same way with the new job. I moved on to a couple of different jobs building my career and working my way up the ladder in a few different companies. Once I finished studying at 22, I ended up with a very well paid job, but it was a salary position. Like you, I felt like I was owned, like I was property of the company. Whenever they needed me, I had to be there. Even on days off and on holidays there was phone calls.

Some weeks I would work 7 days and up to 70 Hours.

It completely exhausted me, I ended up resigning and moving away from the city to have some time to myself, and to figure out what I wanted from life, I knew what I had at the time wasn't it!

I got a part time job, working about 30-35 hours a week most weeks, I earn about half of what I did, but I am so much happier. 

I learned a very valuable lesson about myself, being calm is more important that money.

I have enough money to make ends meet, and I am not a materialistic person, so not having an abundance of disposable income is really no problem for me.

Everyone is different but I think you would be surprised how much you can sacrifice in order to have a better work/life balance.

[Rockpool]

Hi @Jlol,

A very warm welcome to the forums

Thank you for sharing your experience with feeling depressed at work.  I'm sure it is an experience many people can relate to and I have been there myself.  The regime you have during the week sounds stressful in itself, as it centres around work and the daily things you need to do which does not leave much time left for you. If you were to add more activities into your week, what would this look like or what would the activities be?

The working portion of our lifes or week even, is quite a large amount of time and finding a balance between work and life can be a struggle.  There have been some good suggestions here. Perhaps as @Sahara mentioned, seeing a counsellor may be a good way to work out what you want to do in terms of your job and to assist you in finding the right work/life balance.  Sometimes it can be helpful to talk these things through.

I hope you find being on the forums helpful and supportive. Look forward to "seeing" you soon

[Jlol]

Hey thanks for the reply!

Yeah I did actually run my own business and work part time in the past. With part time I certainly did feel far more relaxed but money did become an issue. What I meant before is that I don't really care about making money, but I still need enough to pay bills and buy food. Part time wouldn't let me do that sadly.

With running my own business it didn't really change anything. I still had to be at work but then there were added responsibility as well which made it all the more tougher. Not to mention I was just way too generous with the amount I charged. I worked hard but realised that I am not a business person.

It's annoying and I hate to admit it but I would really like to just not work at all. I don't think I'm a lazy person but just being 'engaged' most of my life feels wrong for some reason 😕

[Jlol]

@Rockpool

Thanks for the welcome and comment!

To answer your question: if I had more time I would use it to unwind. Maybe see some friends, play some video games or watch tv.

I kinda do those things every so often but it comes with a price: for example I sometimes go to a trivia night with some friends, but this means I must sacrifice exercise and food preparation for the evening and next day, two things I think are very important.

It's a classic 'I wish there were more hours in the day' scenario.

I am seeing s counselled through my employers eap but this is only once a month via phone. By the time we talk again we've both forgotten about the last chat and so start again and get no where. I've seen a few counsellors over the years but to be honest really struggle with them. I just don't understand what they're saying or it doesn't sink in. It's like we're speaking two different
Languages

[Former-Member]

You are only 30 and working since 13 you have had a good work ethic.I have been unemployed for 4 years as mentioned on this site for few reasons,including the similar feelings you describe,I had a factory job,not happy,never missed a day got tired.I felt like I sucked at it too but it was a job.I had bullying and a idiot of a manager.If you can ,take a holiday.I never did because I couldn't afford it,now I can't afford to live.I wish I saw my symptoms earlier so I maybe could've prevented my bad thoughts of not wanting to live.Get help or find someone to talk to.

[Rockpool]

Your welcome @Jlol

I can understand that feeling of wanting or needing more hours in the day.  It sounds as though what you are wanting most is some unwind time, which is a perfectly natural thing to want after a stressful day at work! Perhaps if seeing friends like when you have your trivia nights is interfering too much with your exercise and meal prep, which are also important, maybe the other activities of playing video games or watching some tv is a good place to start at the moment.  Even if that means 20 mins of game time before bed or watching an episode of your favourite TV series. 

Another idea would be to perhaps get some down time in on your commute.  I know this can be hard as being on transport or driving does restrict the activities you can do, but maybe there is something you could fit in during this time. For example watching some tv or reading on the train or listening to a favourite album or a mediation track in the car.  Doing something for yourself during this part of the day could be helpful as generally speaking it can be quite a boring time!

The EAP service while it is a great initiative, does not work for everyone and it sounds as though it has not been very helpful if neither you or your counsellor are able to keep track of what was discussed in the previous session.  Face-to-face counselling can help in this respect as it also feels a bit more personal then over the phone, however it is important that you dont feel as though you are struggling with them and that you understand what they are saying. They need to be able to give you the space to understand what has been said and make are you are on the same page.  If they are unable to work with you in this way, then they are not the right psychologist/counsellor for you and it is perfectly ok to find someone who is able to do this.  It can sometimes take some searching to find the right person but can definitely be worth it once you find the right professional for you.

I hope this is helpful in some way

[Sahara]

Hi Again @Jlol,

It sounds like you've tried a few things over the years to ease your feelings of depression- and even tried running your own business at a young age.... that is a big achievement.

I agree with @Rockpool, that finding a counsellor/therapist that you can really relate to on a personal level might be a big help to you. I wonder would you relate better to someone your own age who can see life directly from your point of view? If you visit a G.P. for a referral to see a therapist, then you are allowed to specify the gender and age range of the person you would like to have as your counsellor. The G.P. should have plenty of different therapists on their books and so can help you choose someone you might relate to.

Unfortunately, many people see a few different counsellors before they find one that 'fits'. You should actually genuinely like and respect your therapist to get the best results from therapy, from everything I've heard (and in my experience, too.)

You might also like to take a 'gap year' from working, if working is all you have ever done. Why not travel and go on an extended holiday? 

I wonder how much satisfaction you get from other aspects of your life- like relationships, hobbies, exercising and education?

I get the impression that exercising is just something you feel you have to do and that it isn't enjoyable. Could you do a group exercise class to make it more fun? Or join a walking group to make it more social? 

If you are really into cooking and making nutritious food, then maybe you might like to invite someone over to share a meal? That way, you are not losing any time, because you are just doing what you would normally do at home- food prep and cooking.

Tell us more aboout yourself, if you feel comfortable.