Lived Experience Forum

[Wolfies]

Hi, I'm relatively new on SANEFORUMS, and I guess since you've stumbled on my discussion I'd like to ask some advice. "How do you find yourself?" I go through life, where I think I'm settled on being myself... and I think "This is who I am." Only to wake up the next day and realize, I don't have any clue at all who I am. 

I am a 22 year old University student, whom is severely socially behind. I have been told I am socially awkward (In a good way). Whatever, that is supposed to mean. It just seems as if, being akward altogether is an insult... not really anything good. I don't have any friends at all. I don't know how to make any, and I've been quite lonely for the past 5 years for this reason. It seems as if my gawky behavior pushes people away from me, and in reality it's because of MY insecurities. I've noticed, in terms of 'friends', the people I attract to me are somewhat egotistic, and narcissitic. I'd be relegated to the role of listening to them, and whenever I'd try to talk about myself they'd turn the conversation back to themselves. Could it be, I am attracting these kinds of people in my life because I am weak and they thrive on that? 

I go through periods where I love myself, and I am proud of myself... only to then hate myself and I don't know where this comes from. I supposed what compelled me to post this topic tonight, is that today I felt awful crummy for no good reason... despite the past few days being actually okay. I'm confused when it comes to myself, and I can't seem to figure myself out. 

I don't know what I want in life, I don't know what I want. I did have dreams, some time ago... but I figured. What's the use? I'll never achieve any of those, and people will hate and judge you either way. It feels that way right now. I spoke to someone whom I thought was my friend for a good month or so, only to have them ignore me. They never gave a shit about me. No one does. It hurts. I just want to find myself, I just want to be comfortable with myself. Growing up, I had always hated myself. I had always wanted myself to be someone else. Now, I've had enough. Would I continue living with this pain, I am certain I will wind up ending it all one day. Which is why, at 22 I want to accept myself. I want to stop giving a shit about those negative internal voices. I don't want to be in my mid thirties, where I still have this mind set. It's far too painful.

In fact, it doesn't matter what I acheive. What amazing things I do. I hate myself, 

If anyone out there could give me any advice, I just want to know. Does it get better? How did you find yourself? Did you find yourself? And... do you know what I'm feeling?

What do I do...

[Sahara]

Hi @Wolfies,

I can relate to you as I used to have very similar problems. I am still very shy and a bit awkward.... and I'm 46. I think a lot of people can relate to having trouble finding true friends. 

I have been very hurt by 3 different close female friends in the past. Two of these friendships ended completely with no hope of re-connecting. The other friendship survived, but we rarely see each other- mainly due to geographic distance.

Something I noticed in what you've written..... you say "The people I attract to me are narcissistic and egotistical". Unfortunately it might be you who is actually attracted to these type of people - albeit subconsciously.  

I was the same, too, only I didn't realise it until I had counselling. I was attracted to emotionally distant people who could never give me what I wanted.... but on a deep level it actually felt comfortable to me to be around these people, as they reminded me of how I was treated when I was growing up with my own family.

If you feel awkward and have trouble expressing yourself.... then being around someone egotistical may initially feel like a break form having to think about yourself and what you are going to say - hence the attraction.  But as these friendships develop, you realise how emotionally unfulfilling they really are. 

I think you are absolutely on the right path in saying that you want to accept yourself. A great goal to have! 

@Wolfies, why do you think you hated yourself while you were growing up? Was there something specific that bothered you?

I think having counselling would really help you. Can you see a free counsellor at your Uni? 

Finding out who you truly are can be a life-long process.... it's not something you need to cling to and become despondent over.  A lot of people reach mid-life only to discover that they have no idea who they are... they have only ever done what society dictated and followed the herd.

But you will not be like that, because you are already asking questions of yourself. If you can just accept and be comfortable with not knowing all the answers right now, then I think you will be able to enjoy each day as it comes.

[utopia]

Hi @Wolfies. Yes finding who we are can be hard at any age. At 22 - it's not easy either.
Socially Awkward - doesn't have to be a negative thing. It's simply part of who you are. Like I'm opinionated and have a terrible sense of humour. Not everyone likes these traits of my personality - but I've come to love them. Simply because they are a part of me. And deep down - I know I'm a good person. Just as I'm sure - you know you are a goid person.
University is a place where there is a full diversity of different personalities.
It sounds like you simply haven't met your 'group' yet. And it can be hard - especially when there are loud dominant Personalities around.
What interests you? What do you like doing? What do you think you would like to learn or try? Join these groups at Uni.
Talk to the University counselor. He/she will be able to point you in the direction of groups you may like to join.
He/she may even know some of the other students that are also a bit shy.
There will be people who will enjoy being your friend. You will find them soon I'm sure

[Appleblossom]

I had the problem of being attracted to strong dominant personalitites and then feeling oppressed by them.  It was unconscious for most of my life, and I balance it more by varying the circumstances where I have more .. or less influence.  

I dont have a fixed sense of soul or self.  There are aspects that are less amenable to change but I dont think it is necessary to worry about it.

At uni the concept of "subjectivities" plural actually made a lot of sense to me .. 

also the importance of "agency" ... so verbs rule ... being a doer .. a seeker ...more than any label

give yourself more leg-rope.

cheers Apple

[Wolfies]

Hi @Sahara thanks for writing.

I'd say, you're right. About me attracting Narcissitic and 'chatter-box' types, it's because I'm reluctant in sharing anything about myself due to insecurity. Either they seek me, or I seek them. It's my fault, really. I notice when it comes to people conversing with one another there's this nice balance of divulging information to one another. One person will say something about their experience, whilst the other will go on about theres.

In a situation with me and socializing, however... it sadly more or less goes like this: Person chats on, and on about their lives... I prompt them further by asking more questions. This can go on for hours, it turns into an interview-esque kind of thing, which could border on a psychologist-like relationship. Me being the confidante. In the rare instance of me becoming comfortable with the person, I'd go ahead and divulge a little about myself... attempting to reach the balance I had mentioned earlier. This doesn't work, it seems to stop the flow of the conversation and we both fall silent. It then dawns on me "Hang on a second... this isn't right." This more or less isn't the relationship I signed up for.

I think the problem lays in me, personally. I don't see myself as interesting, and I don't see the point in talking about myself. I suppose it's because growing up, I wasn't tempered to social interaction. I was always alone for that reason. I suppose being around people who are egotistical/ overtly confident, in some crazy way mirrors my need to have that kind of trait. The trait to speak up, and not be afraid... albeit their sense of being is a facade most of the time. 

I hated myself growing up, because... I don't know. Just, I have trouble grasping the world like everyone else. Everyone assumes my aloofness and withdrawn nature is due to being snobbish, which isn't the case at all. I just see others, and I notice people are better at socializing whilst I fall behind. I hate myself because I always felt inadequate and I feel as if I never could and can measure up in that way. I want to be better than I am. I do get counselling already, two times a month. 

Thanks Sahara. I've been going through a lot of rapid changes ever since I hit my early 20s. Finding myself increasingly unhappy periodically, I am trying to find the reasons why... and it's like I need to look deep within myself to find that answer... as cheesy as that sounds. I believe I've destroyed myself many times in the pursuit of doing so, and it's being painful. How did I destroy myself? Questioned my sense of being many times, and attempted to adjust myself. I would lose traces of what I was formerly. I think back, to when I was 16 years old and I feel as if that person was never me. The person I am today is just so different, it scares me.

Thanks for your words, they bring comfort to me somewhat.

[Wolfies]

@Appleblossom

Good to hear I'm not alone in this. I suppose it's not so unconcious anymore seeing as we're both aware of it now.

Having a soul/self which isn't fixed is a good concept to bring up... I think that may be the same with me too (or everyone). I've been told some things are fixed, whilst others... not so. The issue with identity at the moment with me is trying to find those things within me which are fixed. That's why I'm so lost.

I think I can grasp what you mean. What you do defines you? As opposed to what you think, feel, and say. Action defines us. I thought about that often, worrying that I need to leave more behind in this world to define myself. Do you agree with this? Perhaps I need to do 'more' as opposed to just thinking.

[Wolfies]

@utopia

I have considered joining groups, and am in the process of meeting like-minded people.

Yeah, when it comes to accepting yourself. I suppose it's all about accepting your faults and all. I want to reach that stage of attempting to not destroy those parts of myself I loathe so much. I want to accept myself the bad parts and all. 

I don't think I've met my people yet. I have went through life so far, at the age of 22 and I've yet to find my people. It feels lonely, but yeah... Umm, I guess what interests me is drawing. My college degree is Art-based. I have thought about joining art groups, but I am reluctant to do so as in the past I've come across jealous people/ competitive people. Bad experience, more or less. Wasn't good for my growth. I have been in college for a good three years, and I've yet to find my people still. 

[utopia]

If art is your thing @Wolfie - then maybe that's tge type of group you need to join. Maybe a smaller group - where the focus is on learning from others and enjoying each others company.
Any chance you live in Melbourne? You don't have to disclose that. But if you do - have a look at Bundoora Homestead. They are offering special 1 month long paid internships next year. If you are in a different state - check out other organisations that offer these internships. As the one in Bundoora - half of tge places are for those with a disability, hearing impairment or mental illness.
Look up their site. It may give you an idea of where you can look in your state.
Arts. The world is your oyster. I wish I had your talent.
See if you can put into finding like minded friends - with the same soul and energy that you put into your art.
When you do connect - I think these will be lifelong friendships

[Wolfies]

I have thought about that @utopia

Sadly, I'm not based in Melbourne. I wish I was. I've been thinking about getting an internship for the longest time... well, if that includes getting mentored by someone with far more technical skill and capability (correct me if I'm wrong). I would like a mentor. 

I looked at the site and I like it so far. Unfortunantly, it's only based in Melbourne by the looks of things. I've heard Melbourne is very rich in art culture compared to the state I live in. One of my internet friends live there and tells me about it. I've thought about moving there purely for the purpose of filling my environment more with novelty. I've heard getting out, and aborbing more things brings an inner richness to our lives.

Haha, thank-you. It's not really much of a talent. I don't beleive so. It's just a way, personally for me to express myself. All my frustration is bottled up in what I draw, and people notice it when they look at my drawings. I suppose I'm a really messed up person.

I think the idea of joining a group is a good idea. I do need to find people like myself. The problem, I guess is where to start? How do you know what kind of people are your people if you don't know who you are yourself? 

[utopia]

@Wolfies. Don't put your talent down. Celebrate it.
I was just saying to an old friend recently - who has almost finished his fine arts degree -that the world needs art - for its beauty and its honesty.
So your art will probably show the stages of your growth and development as a person and then as an artist.
I'm still envious of your talent. We have a lot of members on this forum that are artists.
Where to find & who to find. That's where I think a chat with the Uni counselor would be a good start.