Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

Hit & Miss

Trial & Error

is my experience of finding my people .. Hi @Wolfies

I am a Melbourne person and particularly appreciate our general arts culture ... and different artforms

Yes competitiveness and jealousy seems part & parcel of it .. but then I balance it with finding better team workers .. and keep a dialogue about the importance of team building in those places that need it.

[Peter_Pan78]

I've always felt socially awkward myself. After I was diagnosed as having social anxiety disorder at 19 I discovered that social anxiety is one of the most common mental illnesses (but less talked about). For a long time I struggled to make friends through school, uni and later work environments. Then I began working in the disability sector and discovered that my social awkwardness had made me a caring, intuitive person who could read people well. I could spot nervousness mistaken for aggression, see past shouting as attention seeking behaviour. I still struggle at times in social situations, but I don't beat myself up over it like I used to. I realised that overstimulation stresses me and I'm at my best in quieter, smaller groups. If I'm struggling in a social situation I can't get out of I just do the best I can, understanding I won't be at my best and just being there and saying nothing is fine.

[Former-Member]

hello @Wolfies - I grew up with the same thoughts as you, no one likes me, I'm not loveable so I used to befriend all the underdogs because I hated the way they were treated. this of course isolated me even more from the so called "cool" as I have matured I now realise that the so called "cool" are sheep - they are everywhere - they love to talk about themselves - I also noticed that even though I am very friendly I always ask other people about themselves and keep the conversation on them - away from me because I thought I was different. I now embrace that very fact. I like being different. as for finding myself I don't think I ever will - I think I just keep discovering more things about myself and I love that fact because I never want to grow up - I have my bad days more than my good days but I have glimpses of such simple special moments that make me smile and feel good inside and I know that it is worthwhile to keep on for my loved ones for we all have different struggles of our own - so don't try to know yourself just be intrigued finding out more about who you are - hope that does not sound to nonsensical - I do get very deep and carried away - sending you a hug

[Former-Member]

laugh I keep on replying under quick reply and writing book length responses - sorry

[Wolfies]

Hey, @Former-Member. Oh no, the longer a reply, the happier I am to read it. Honestly. 🙂 Don't worry.

I suppose that's what I am, different. And you're right, I don't think I'll ever truly know myself. I don't think anyone will. That brings comfort to me. I suppose, I should just focus on doing things. Like my art, and creating things. Thoughts are fickle things, but they can destroy... For me, I should focus on the here and now. It is a bit self-absorbed of me to think of others thinking terrible things about me.

They're not thing of me at all- hah! In a way, that's freedom. Sure, even if I'll be classified as a hermit, by myself. It's not that bad. It's not a death sentence at all. At least, I'm sticking to authenticity deep within me. At least I'm not betraying myself. I should stop pretending to be someone else in public, and let my true self shine. Even if it leaves me vulnerable, at least it would perhaps attract the right people in my life.

Thanks Moehill, for your words of wisdom. 

[whitedog]

Hey @Wolfies , 

your post really resonated with me because I had a big issue with wondering "who I was" back when I was in my 20s. It really got in the way for quite a while but the anxiety slowly dissapeared around the age of 25. Looking back, and as a psych grad now, I think I was going through a bit of an identiy crisis. So I found that the theories and ideas of Erikson and his developmental stages really made sense to me. I think the age period of the 20s fit in with Erikson's identity finding stage. Erikson wrote some very interesting books that you might find interesting. Maybe you may find answers within his work? He wrote an analysis of Ghandi and Luther, using his identity analysis. I've always wanted to read them and probably will now. 

And I was thinking "what would I say to my 20 year old self" to help myself deal with those experiences, given the knowledge I have now. I would probably say "the question will come naturally in time. If the thoughts seem overwhelming, take some time out. You can do this by not thinking about anything for a period of time. Enjoy some silence for a bit". Maybe this advice may help you a bit? 

Thanks for sharing your story. I look forward to hearing whether my reply is useful or not. 🙂

[Ellu]

Dear Wolfies,

I have had bi-polar disorder since I was 15 and I am 63 now, so I am proof that it is possible to get through an awkward and difficult time in your life and build a future for yourself. I, too, was totally isolated when I was at Uni. I was what they call a "gifted child" and was accelerated through school so that I started Uni when I was 16. There is such a gap between that and 22 that I made no friends and felt very isolated and lonely. The worst times were the Uni holidays, when I had no-one to go out and do things with. I was a real geek and depressed as well at the time. When I tried to make friends I couldn't really "connect" with anyone, and as for romance, forget it!

My advice is to be yourself - don't try to make friends by pretending to be something you are not. Eventually you will find someone who understands you - that is what happened to me. What I suggest is that you sit down with a pen and paper and write down all the good things about yourself and all your achievements, in great detail. Then when you are feeling down you can look at what you have written and affirm that you are a valuable worthwhile individual. Also, have you thought of making an appointment with the Uni counselling service? It is free, and it might be good for you to talk to a professional and get some of this off your chest. My son went to a counsellor at Melbourne Uni when he was going through a difficult time, and it helped him enormously.

Good luch - this will pass and one day will only be a memory. The rest of your life is waiting!

Ellu

[Former-Member]

hello @Wolfie

I am relieved to hear that some of what i said made sense to you. I was a very shy, selfconscious, depressed teenager who thought that it was me who had all the problems. Some of that stuff is teenage related and everyone struggles at some time with some of their thoughts even though they may come across as the most, laid back, confident, successful, popular, has it all type of person.

The fact that you are aware that you are creative and have an interest in art is huge. I thought i couldnt draw full stop up until about 3years ago when i did just that whilst i was in a clinic. I think i was so lost within myself that i didnt remember "i cant draw" and i did and surprised myself. i was given a fair bit of positive feedback which of course i questioned, wouldnt believe. i wont win any awards but it felt good. sad that it took me so long to believe in myself.

Being different is good, you dont have to let yourself feel vulnerable though. something that my specialist told me to work on when i am in company of relatives whom i despise because they are so judgemental and critical. He said observe how these same relatives interract with others, do they treat everybody the same? so still trying to put that in practice because i still feel as though i am the only one under the microscope as am newest to that side of our family.

In everyday life, when you are able to recognise that you have talent, compassion, special traits of your own and dont concentrate on what others are thinking about you, that is when other people notice your gifts and are attracted to you as a person they might want to have as a friend or acquaintance.

this does work but is very hard at times when we are struggling with our symptoms of mental illness.

i hope you can get some help from this and also great advice from others posting on here.

This site is just the ants pants as far as i am concerned. I have read so many heartfelt stories and responses, helping me not to feel so alone when i am struggling. I hope you can sense this too and feel some relief. take care my friend. sending you a hug.

[Wolfies]

Hi, @whitedog. Thank-you so much for taking time to write me!

Hmmm, I'd say you're right. I've noticed a lot of people I've asked/spoken to about a loss of identity/lack of it were struggling with it in their early 20s, only to figure themselves out midway or at the end of it. Sometimes it's difficult to forget that, this is indeed a period of 'silence' for me and that I shouldn't try to hard. It's especially hard too, I suppose that those in my age group are going through the same thing... it's good in the fact I'm not alone, but bad because this period 'of finding ones self' makes me feel as if we ostracize one another due to being concentrated on finding ourselves. So, we can come off as self-centered often.

I have searched up some Erikson online, and it's very interesting. I will read him more indepth so that I may be able to absorb it better. It takes me quite a while to understand something entirely. For me, out of your post... this really helped:

"the question will come naturally in time. If the thoughts seem overwhelming, take some time out. You can do this by not thinking about anything for a period of time. Enjoy some silence for a bit".

I feel as if this makes some sort of sense to me, I don't know why. But it brings a bit of peace to me. Thanks, whitedog.

[Wolfies]

@Ellu, thank-you for writing to me and your wonderful advice.

It is very comforting to hear you share your experience, from when you were in University. It makes me a tad bit happier. I should be myself, you're right. I guess I'd be betraying myself by pretending to be any different. The first step is to stop hating myself. Is to practice forgiveness towards myself. I'm not perfect- but neither is the entire human race. None of us are perfect. I should be glad in being faulted. It's what identifies me as 'human'. And as living.

I will do that. I will sit down and write some things down with a pen and paper... I'll put this piece of paper away in one of my drawers and whenever I feel down- I'll take it out and I'll read it. I am already seeking counselling at the moment, every two weeks to a month and it's tremenously helpful. I've been in counselling for years. I suppose that's what has lead me to 'soul-search'. I want to be better, I don't want to be miserable and listless all my life.