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13-08-2016 05:11 PM
13-08-2016 05:11 PM
Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
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14-08-2016 11:32 AM
14-08-2016 11:32 AM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
Hi and welcome to the forum. I hope I can offer some advice.
The behaviour that you've described does sound very much like that associated with borderline personality disorder. Regardless of what it is associated with, it certainly sounds very challenging and would make for a very difficult and dysfunctional relationship. I think it's important to take a step back and not wonder what it is that is wrong with him, but consider that his behaviour is the problem.
My ex-husband displayed similar patterns of behaviour, particularly the blaming and verbal raging. Naturally this led to a very dysfunctional marriage and family dynamic. I tolerated this behaviour but eventually came to the end of my tether and decided to see a psychologist with exactly the same searching questions as you - what could I do to cope, help him, etc. It took many sessions of therapy before my thinking switched and shifted away from me feeling like I had the responsibility to do something about HIS behaviour and for me to accept that his behaviour constituted abuse regardless of it's origins. I attempted to discuss his unacceptable behaviour with him in the hope that it may trigger some introspection and insight, but unfortunately this did nothing other than anger him more. As always he flipped it around and placed the blame on me for having faulty judgement, reasoning, a stupid psychologist and then accused me of having a mental health disorder! I also went to relationship counselling with him, yet again in the hope that perhaps if he heard it from an independent professional it may make him realise that he in fact was the one with the problem and that his behaviour constituted abuse. Wrong again. We only had 2 sessions after which the therapist terminated our sessions due to his escalating abuse within therapy and completely absent capacity to take responsibility for his own behaviour.
It took me a long time to realise that he was incapable of change because he refused to acknowledge his own behaviour as being a problem. After I accepted that he was never going to change, it was me that had to decide whether I could continue tolerating his behaviour. The answer was no. After 25 years of marriage I finally decided to leave as I could no longer tolerate walking on eggshells every day and being subjected to irrational, unpredictable and psychologically/emotionally harmful abuse.
I would recommend firstly trying to get him to acknowledge that his behaviour is not right. You may want to suggest that he see a therapist or that you both go as a couple. You may wish to talk about it as "our" relationship problems, as opposed to pointing it all at him as he may feel victimised and respond negatively if you point it all at him. Failing that I would highly recommend that you engage in therapy for yourself. You need to understand that he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and that it is not your responsibility. Hopefully he will be amenable to couples therapy and if so you can both work on establishing a healthier, more loving and mutually respectful relationship.
In the meantime there are some great books which clearly discuss the dynamics of abusive relationships. One that comes to mind is "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. At the end of the day, whether he has a mental health disorder or not, his behaviour is impacting on you and your relationship.
All the best
Janna ❤️
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14-08-2016 01:29 PM
14-08-2016 01:29 PM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
Hi Janna, thank you for your words ... I struggled to write the post because there has been so much water under the bridge it was hard to know where to start and obviously you can’t go into full detail because it would go on for days but also risked it being disjointed by leaving details out.
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14-08-2016 03:38 PM
14-08-2016 03:38 PM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
Hi @Gemini
I’m glad that I managed to strike a few chords with what I wrote. As I was reading your reply many thoughts and memories were triggered which I’d like to share.
The problem with abusive people is that they are not abusive and horrible 100% of the time. If they were we wouldn’t be with them. They also usually don’t introduce this “other side” of their personality until the relationship has gained momentum and is reasonably solid and binding - again because they know that few potential partners would stick around. Once they introduce the behaviour they usually do so in small, and relatively tolerable increments, which over time increase in both frequency and intensity. This makes us believe that it may be due to xx or xx as we try to rationalise it and it also deflects our minds away from them in search of a cause. Additionally, nearly every abuser follows what is known as the cycle of violence. Here’s a link for your info
http://www.dvhelppenrithregion.nsw.gov.au/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=4&Itemid=107
You may be able to identify with this. It is not unusual for them to verbally acknowledge that they have a problem, or that their behaviour is not ok, and for them to suggest that they are going to address the issue. This sits in the “remorse phase” on the cycle. They can even go as far as to surprise you with acts of kindness in the hope that this will make up for their outburst. Then things go quiet for a while. They behave and we relax in the hope that they have changed ….. until it happens all over again.
On top of all of this they usually wear a mask when around other people and never let this side of themselves show. In fact they usually present as charming, likeable and stable people, so much so that when you do ever want to enlist the support or help of family and friends they don’t believe you and look at you like you’ve got two heads. They really don’t want anyone else to know, which is why your partner may be very reluctant to speak with a GP or have a mental health assessment done.
Also please remember that abusive behaviour waxes and wains according to intrinsic and external factors. At the end of the day whether he’s lonely, feeling isolated, having a bad day, feeling bored, depressed, anxious, or whatever, it is NOT OK to rage, thump fists, stomp feet, throw things, etc.
Another very good author on the subject is Patricia Evans. She also has a very informative website http://www.verbalabuse.com
What you would need from your partner is the open acknowledgement that his behaviour is a problem and a commitment to seek ongoing help from an appropriate professional. Ideally you would want to see a steady and definite trend towards improvement. It won’t suffice if he continually relapses and defaults back to his abusive ways. Many people believe that abusers never change and that once an abuser, always an abuser. Here is another interesting read which may help http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-aronson-fontes-phd/do-abusive-men-change_b_7746994.html
Janna ❤️
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15-08-2016 07:39 PM - edited 15-08-2016 07:44 PM
15-08-2016 07:39 PM - edited 15-08-2016 07:44 PM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
Thanks @Janna - I've had a quick read over the links but will look at them more in depth as the week goes on.... there were some very valid comparisons from what I read though, including elements of my own behaviour which I didn't necessarily see as being considered as 'abuse' at the time. In the heat of 'that moment' I was trying to make a point and make him see how a remark or insult or action was viewed/received. This links back to where I've said that I have not always responded or handled things in the best way I could have.
There are already things I've added to a list of 'not to do or say' and I'll add a few more now as well.
Where my partner will trigger immediately or over a very short space of time (minutes); my reaction is more of a slow burn - I will try my best to defuse the situation over a period of time with various responses, including finally giving up and agreeing but eventually after more than an hour or two of constant hammering it wears you down and while I've tried to keep things as calm as possible, things eventually get said in frustration and retaliation that also aren't constructive. I've tried calling a time out and gone to another room but that's never successful as the situaion just follows to the next room.
There are lots of bits left out of the story such as receiving torrents of abuse via message while I'm at work and without the time or ability to assess and respond in any way other than brief messages then knowing what the environment is going to be like coming home, being told that the $1K + per pay that it costs me to pay the regular rent and bills are irrelevant and that it's just my job to pay it - "for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health" etc, deliberately standing outside and raging the most foul abuse to make sure all of the neighbours can hear every word ...
Where I know my own responses and behaviour have left some to be desired along the way, I recoginise it in most cases and take steps to avoid it .... but I agree with what you said that there needs to be a commitment to seek ongoing help from an appropriate professional and there has to be a steady and definite trend towards improvement.
I'll have a proper read of the links as soon as I get a chance but this exerience in itself has been very cathartic .... in fact the most positive and reassuring in nearly 4 years of trying to deal with this. Whilst I've considered the behaviours to be abusive I've not necessarily acknowledged them as abusive - viewing things in isolation a lot of the time rather than collectively - so from this point forward I'll be approaching things with a very different perspective.
Thank you again !
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17-08-2016 12:23 PM
17-08-2016 12:23 PM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
Heya @Gemini,
I too can confirm i have often had similar feelings in my relationship, luckily though I (29,F,not entirely crazy yet) am making slow progress with my partner (28,M,bipolar).
I laughed a little when i read your comment about not handling things in the best manner... i am thinking of starting a club if you would like to join haha, we could get shirts and share stories about all the things you should never say or do when providing emotional support to someone with a mental health issue! However in our 5 years together i am getting better at taking a moment to think about my responses and control my facial expressions when dealing with bipolar boy when he is having an off day, he is also learning to give me time to think and not take my initial facial expression as the end result. (Botox would probably really help me)
My partner and i have worked (with the help of a Psych) on our communication techniques and I am learning to pick up on small clues that he is not travelling well so i can intervene early. Through this, he has told me that he often lashes out at me (verbally), just because I am there. Often whatever has him angry or upset isnt related to me at all, but he needs to find a way to cope and often that comes in blaming me, starting fights about nothing or often just generally hurling verbal abuse or telling me to get out. As we are moving forward, it is now rare that he does this as we have both learned to identify signals and communicate in a healthy manner about where he is at. If you can get your partner to agree to a psych session that is the way to go... even head to your GP yourself, explain you are a carer for someone with a mental health issue and get some sessions allocated for yourself. That way you can say, "I am going to see a psych and i would like you as my partner to come along and support me"...
As for calling a time out, i know you said it hasnt really worked, but this is what i do and it works for me, i also tell him it is becasue he has hurt my feelings and i need time to process the situation. This makes the pause about you, not him, so he should honour that if he respects the relationship. I also leave the house entirely... go and grab a coffee or go for a walk, just for 30 minutes to re-group, this physically stops the fight from continuing. Usually by the time i return, he is calmer and will now apologise for his behaviour as he recognises it is not me that he is focused on...
Hopefully some of that helps!
xx
Tigs
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03-09-2016 08:33 PM
03-09-2016 08:33 PM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
Your situation sounds really tough. Between @Janna and @Tiggerroo stories lies the choice before you. If your partner acknowledges their part in the issues that you are experiencing in your relationship, then there is hope. However breaking up with someone who has BPD can be quite difficult as the abuse can go on for years. For me, I have a wife with BP difference, so there are the extreme emotions and depression/anxiety. When we met I was the best thing that ever happened to her. But later on, I turned out to be the cause of all her misery. Of course both views were wrong, but it was hard to see that at the time. Reality gets distorted by the BP's views and causes great upset for the carer. If you decide to stay in the relationship, you will need to learn coping strategies and as Tiggeroo correctly points out, work on your communication. A psychologist specializing in BP can help with that. Personally, I spend a lot of time in meditation. It helps me be more aware of my emotional state when interacting with people. Janna is correct that the abuse has to stop. "Stop walking on eggshells" is a good guide for dealing with BP and there is hope for some BP sufferers if they acknowledge that they have issues and seek help. Please remember that BP behaviour is the result of a very wounded soul and healing takes time and patience. I don't blame you for considering to walk away and if the abuse continues, you should. However, there is great personal growth and spiritual healing in working through these issues with your partner. You will learn a language which encompasses empathy and rationality to a degree which very few will ever experience. This is because most walk away from BP behavior, rather than attempting to understand. I hope you will find your way.
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04-09-2016 10:06 AM
04-09-2016 10:06 AM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
Hello @Gemini, I read your post with interest. Years ago, my husband of 34 years behaved in this fashion. We have multiple mental health issues in our family. My husband is schizoaffective, but when our children were little he had not been diagnosed for the same reason your partner is not. We were living in New Zealand then and were fortunate to have a community based mental health team including a psychiatric nurse/social worker who visited me weekly in my home to check on us. This social worker could see with his own eyes what was going on and he advised me to read everything I could about personality disorders, which I did.
I started to see my husband's abusive behaviour as a pathology. My social worker convinced me that I could work out ways to deal with it by thinking about the words my husband was trying to convey. Not the abusive attacks, but the underlying thoughts and motivations. I realised that my husband was trying to project onto me his own deficiencies, worries and inadequacies. So I became philosophical about it.
The next time there was an abusive rant, I promised him to think about what he said and immediately left the scene. I came back when things were calm again, made him a hot drink and said, "I want you to know that I admire and love you. I know you are feeling angry and upset but I am not the things you said. I am not #$@*, I am not **&%#. If you cannot control how you raise issues with me I will feel compelled to call in help for my own safety. By the way, your garden is looking beautiful." So I sandwiched my rebuttal between two compliments. Underlying my husband's verbal abuse was a very high degree of anxiety, and the best remedy for anxiety is reassurance.
He abused me again and I had him admitted to the psyche ward. He was always more careful after that. Gradually, applying this technique over a number of years, the abuse has altogether stopped. My husband feels reassured and loved. I am careful to give him heaps of narcissistic supply. Whatever I have to do, I try to think of ways to make him feel that it is all about him. For example, I need my husband to go to a town about 30km away to drop in a referral for one of our son's new psychiatrist. To do this, I suggested he take son J out for a cofee at the new town. All these little techniques have made the world of difference to me and I hope you find within yourself that you can work this situation out. If the worst comes to the worst, your own safety and well-being are of paramount importance and if need be you should leave.
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11-09-2016 10:48 PM
11-09-2016 10:48 PM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
Thank you @Janna for those links.
I seem to be always in the wrong ... even when I am not really that bad.
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12-09-2016 06:59 AM
12-09-2016 06:59 AM
Re: Any other partners feel like they're always in the wrong ?
It can be quite difficult not to feel inadequate when you are facing a torrent of abuse at times. However, its important to keep in touch with reality. Nobody is all bad or all good, we all make mistakes with the best intentions. @perserverer makes some good points regarding staying strong in the face of unreasonable accusations. In addition to that, it's important to have someone who knows you and is not judgemental to talk to when you need a reality check. It helps to take ownership of mistakes, we all lose our temper at times, but you don't have to carry the burden of all the problems in your lives.
Stay strong!
Niels