Lived Experience Forum

[Alice6]

Context: I grew up with domestic violence perpetrated by my dad and a mother who was emotionally absent due to mental illness.

I feel like I really need a parent. In my mind, it’s someone who takes an interest in my life, who knows me, who feels safe, who spends time with me, who is protective of me and who shows up for me when I need them or when I succeed. Often, when I see other people with their parents or I hear stories about really positive parenting, it is extremely difficult for me. I’ve kind of developed this idea that my existence was a mistake and that’s why I don’t have a parent. It’s like a glitch in the system that I came to be and that’s why I can’t have my needs met.

I understand that the common response to this is ‘be your own parent’ and in a lot of ways I understand this because I guess it’s not fair to ask someone to play that role. I got caught up in this idea that if I was great enough as a person then someone would just want to be my parent because they could see how much I deserved it.

My therapist is currently on leave to be there for his daughter who is currently representing Australia in an international sporting competition in Europe. I feel devastated. His daughter is so pretty and she’s competing in a sport I loved as a child. I can’t compete with her in any way and I know her dad will always be there for her. What a triggering couple of days this has been. I really wanted him to be my dad but I can’t compete. I’m not as extraordinary. I know that he wants to be there for me too.

I have this sense like I just need to leave everyone alone. I find myself in lots of situations where I think “will they want to be my parent?” or “if I asked this person to show up for me, would they want to do that?”. When these thoughts come up, I always reach a point where I think “well there’s no incentive for them to want to be there” and I feel so abandoned by the world.

I also find myself looking for stories and movies where an abandoned child finds a parent in an uncle, or a teacher, or someone unexpected. I’ve even found stories of animals that do that. There’s something about it that validates the idea that I was a mistake because people do find people who want to play that role for them. I just can’t seem to do that.

I get it. I have to be alone. I guess I just wanted to say that I really would have appreciated a parent, and genuinely, I would’ve been such a good daughter. When I think about how I took care of my mum went she went through her psychotic episodes, and how much I put myself aside for my dad, I would’ve loved that parent.

I’m walking down a path these days where I can feel in my heart how much I’m reaching out my hand for someone to just hold it, but I know there’s no reason for anyone to hold it back.

Does anyone have any tips for not being such a burden and just keeping to myself? (Please don’t tell me to reparent myself. I would rather leave the seats of my parents empty than try to fill them myself. I know that what I need, I cannot give to myself, even if no one ever understands that.)

[8ppleTree]

@Alice6 

Your writing sounds like music. It is beautiful in its intensity and it's waves of longing. You speak from the heart. It makes me feel, like music makes me feel. 

I'm sorry. No reflection of you given by another could match the love and longing that you provided your parents and that you gave to life as a little one. The intensity of longing you feel you may realise is the joy and beauty of all life, that all beings deserve to participate in, freely. Each season is beautiful, every trip away, every return is grace. Elevate your compassion and reserve your longing for that which holds the question, and answer. Today you are wanting, tomorrow you are the giver. You have what you need inside you. 

You feel more, maybe more than those who had a more average parenting experience, on the spectrum. It is relative, so what you long for may not mean the same to others. I also grew up with extreme parenting. The answer 'parent yourself' maybe doesn't satisfy because it's logical, not emotional? 

Fundamentally, there is nothing wrong, horrible, or brilliant, or extreme about you. Your circumstances were difficult. You yourself, are simply a human being, a light among many, who deserves a wonderful life and has inherent worthiness to be loved and respected. 

Have fun learning to connect with others in a safe way. You can practice modelling some of those boundaries and behaviours and working out what your idea of healthy expectations might be. 

A bright future is ahead, give yourself the happiness you deserve. You are no-one's burden!

[Alice6]

I think that’s the kindest thing I’ve ever read and maybe what I needed to hear. Thank you for taking the time to read my feelings and for extending so much compassion. I feel like what you’ve said will stay with me, like you’ve given me a gift. 

[LilMapleLeaf]

@Alice6 

Hi,

I know exactly how you feel. It can hurt so much to want something that so many other people have and that you absolutely deserve but there being nothing you can do to change what's already happened. On sort of a separate note, have you ever watched the kids show "Bluey"? I'm obsessed with that show and it has absolutely healed some of that inner child hurt.

But back on topic! I think what has helped myself the most has been finding friends or people in my life who can fill those spots. While no my friends aren't my parents, they care so deeply for me, checking in seeing how I'm going, giving me hugs on bad days, being there for me. I never thought I would find people like that who would care for me and it's taken some years but I'm so glad I have been able to find people who love me for me. 

Are there any friendships you have in your life that you value dearly and can provide you some support?

[Alice6]

Thank you for responding. It’s so meaningful when someone notices your feelings. I love Bluey and I totally understand what you mean when you say it’s healing. Friendships are a hard one because I have lots of friends but they tend to get very overwhelmed by my history and my feelings. I completely respect this and have tried to find other ways to support myself e.g. KidsHelpline, this forum. I have lots of really supportive coworkers but I’m so conscious of the importance of boundaries in these spaces to protect myself so I try to keep it brief. I think my biggest support is probably my therapist, because he got me through everything that happened with my mum as well as many other major life changes. Nobody has given me as much compassionate space as he has. I don’t think any words could express how much his support and encouragement has meant to me or how much his care will stay with me. Hopefully that doesn’t sound too dramatic haha.

[tyme]

HI there @Alice6 ,

We hope you continue to find this community supportive. It sounds like you have really been through a lot as a young person.

You deserve to get the support you need. 

We are here for you. There is always someone online - 24/7. 

I'll also be sending you a quick email if you could please respond to it.

Much appreciated,

tyme

[tyme]

@Alice6 ,

I wonder if you would also be interested in chatting to some people here at Young Adult Space . @Birdofparadise8 started the thread because they thought it would be good to have a space to hang out with young adults.

What are some other things you are interested in? There may be some other threads I can tag you into.

e.g. 

1. Coping Toolbox ( what is in yours to help you cope ) 
2. ~ The Toolshed ~ 
3. The Ice-Memery 

[Birdofparadise8]

Hi @Alice6 

You’re more than welcome to join the young adult space. I look forward to seeing you over there.