Lived Experience Forum

[May22]

Hi, I'm 22 years old, living with and struggling with Borderline personality disorder, psychosis and a very heavy cannabis addiction. My addiction steams from using cannabis to be able to handle my own emotional swings from day to day. Each day is an ultimate struggle, today being day 4 of my sobriety journey and I've relapsed tonight. I feel like I can't live without it, like I can't deal with myself, my emotions or be in my own presence without it :((

[BPDSurvivor]

Hugs @May22 ,

Thank you for being so courageous in reaching out. I can see you have a deep sense of where your addiction stems from.

I was diagnosed with BPD in my late teens. It ate through my entire early adulthood. Combined with my addictive personality, I was addicted to SH. Not so much illicit drugs, but other forms. I used SH as a coping mechanism for the emotional turmoil within me.

Do you see a specialist/therapist about your struggles with emotional regulation? I had weekly sessions for over 2 years so I could be taught other ways to manage - only then did the SH subside.

My point is, it seems you are working so hard to remove your coping mechanism (cannabis) or your 'bandaid', yet the root of the issue hasn't been dealt with (or the 'infection' under your bandaid). perhaps this is why it is so much harder.

I hope you will be able to find someone who can work with you to tackle the core of the issue. It's a long, hard journey, but if you are determined, you will be able to get through it. Do you have a mental health care plan which allows you to receive subsided sessions with a psychologist?

BPD is not a life sentence. There are many rewards that come with it - I've proved it.

I'm here if you need an ear. You are awesomely brave person. I want to see you get the support, love and care that you deserve.

BPDSurvivor

[May22]

Thank you so much for your response! I was also diagnosed at 19 and it's been eating away at me for as long as I can remember, after being diagnosed the last 3 years have been really rough, coming to realization why I do a lot of the things I do. 

I've been seeing a therapist for roughly 1-2 years and as much as I like to hope it's helping I really don't think it is, I've tried 2 therapist and onto my third in January, my mental health care plan still has about 10 free sessions thankfully! 

I've also never looked at the bandaid thing like that, and I think you're right, I'll definitely be bringing it up in my next session explaining my addiction struggles. Congratulations on being clean from SH, I know it's very very hard, SH being my first coping mechanisms of choice then after growing up at school I found my new temporary way out. It makes me proud to see other bpd survivors staying in recovery ❤️

[Flying_Hams]

Hi there @May22
Welcome to the forum
I hope you find it helpful
Thank you for sharing your story and experiences as well

[BPDSurvivor]

I just want to give you a big hug @May22 .

People who use illicit substances don't do it for the sake of doing it. Just like you have shared, there's a reason for the use. It doesn't make you a "bad" or "weak" person. There is much sorrow underneath it.

Real therapists see through to the real person.

In the past, when people saw my BPD diagnosis, they dismissed me as "attention seeking" and pretty much said to get on with life and get back to work. Yet it took 1 therapist to see through this diagnosis and helped me find my identity. 

Often, people who have BPD lack self-identity. Their actions are pretty much reliant on their environment. When the environment is "good", they are "good". When the environment is "bad", they are "bad". This is what sets BPD apart from other MH conditions - it is heavily reliant on environmental  factors rather than human chemistry, this making medication of limited effect.

Dont get me wrong, medication has its place. My BPD caused me to spiral down into a major depression which means I needed anti-depressants to raise me to a point so that I could comprehend the therapy I was receiving. I also took anxiety meds to help with my anxiety in social situations as well as to help me sleep. So yes, meds have their place, but they do NOT cure BPD. BPD recovery is about changing how we think (or our thinking processes) within our environment so that our actions move from being harmful (eg rage, SH) to being helpful.

So yes, from what I see, your therapy would be more effective if it focused on the core of the issue (emotional regulation) rather than the act of SH. 

I hope you find this somewhat helpful.

Look forward to hearing from you. Once again, I applaud your bravery in being so honest in your posts.

BPDSurvivor

[StuF]

@May22 
Hi there. I used to have an overwhelming weed issue; totally dominated my life.

I was also diagnosed with BPD and did a course of DBT in 2006, having been diagnosed and treated for various things since 1990.

I gave up the weed in 2005, having well and truly fried my brain. But it was the DBT and subsequent treatments- finally diagnosed as schizo affective disorder- that have absolutely helped my successful abstinence.

Nowadays I'm doing alright 🙂

Just wanted to share and show solidarity. I agree completely with @BPDSurvivor about treating the 'reason' under the bandaid.

Best wishes with it all

[BPDSurvivor]

Also, @May22 , I forgot to mention I was diagnosed with BPD around 19 years old too.

I didn't "wake up" to reality until my 30s. 

In a way, I don't think I had much understanding when I was in my 20s. Even if I had the most amazing treatments, I don't think I was ready for recovery. I really had to come to the end of myself before treatment actually made a difference (unfortunately, this didn't happen until I was in my 30s).

You are WAY beyond where I was when I was in my 20s. I can see you have a much deeper understanding of your struggles, and I think this is a great place to start in terms of your recovery.

Seriously, there is such a fulfilling life waiting for you, even if it means you need a little support now. The BPD journey teaches you many things. I've come to understand myself so much more as well as understand humanity.

I don't regret having BPD at all - it has made me a much more compassionate and understanding person. I've learnt to embrace it as my teacher and guide.

BPDSurvivor

[BPDSurvivor]

Thank you for sharing @StuF . Your post is a true testament of your strength, resilience and power.

Good on you @StuF !

[StuF]

@BPDSurvivor 

Again, so well said by you 🙂

Oh, and thanks for the kind words

[May22]

Thank you for sharing that with me, that gives me a lot of hope in over coming this period of my life. It's comforting to know I'm definitely not alone and there are people who understand all these up and down emotions. Congratulations on giving up weed! It's not easy! This week has already been a emotional rollercoaster for me