I can’t cope

[Ru-bee]

Yeah I just did a load of washing to hang it out, but you've just reminded me I've left some in the machine that I'll have to remember @Captain24 I hate it when I leave the clothes and they get smelly and need to be washed over again!

There's lots of stupid tv out there, I don't think its you! Although I do love some dumb tv sometimes, it's a bit of a guilty pleasure when I just need to switch off

[Captain24]

Yeah. I hate it when I forget the washing. @Ru-bee. I hope you remember to get it out. I’m going to have to wash my work clothes and hang them in the spare room and hope that they dry! 

Mum won’t be home for an hour so I’m running a bath with salt. My back is aching really badly so I’m hoping the bath will stop it from going completely. Plus I’m hoping that the relaxation helps. 

Im over tv so after the bath I’ll try and find a movie on Netflix to watch. Even the news is stupid. Peppa pig has a baby brother. How is that news worthy? I get that it’s light hearted but they are carrying on like it’s a royal baby. Maybe I’m just too irritable for any of this rubbish. Everything is irritating me. 

[Jynx]

Howdy @Captain24 how's you?

[Captain24]

I’ve had my bath @Ru-bee. My back is feeling a little better. I’m really tired now though but I feel a little more relaxed. I’m now watching a movie. Mum should be here soon then I’ll be free of dealing with them until tomorrow morning. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow at all. 

[Captain24]

I’ve had a bath to help my aching back. I’m scared it’s going to go completely and I won’t be able to walk @Jynx. It was relaxing though. Mum has picked up her dog and just left so I’m free of them until tomorrow morning.

I’ve tried ‘dropping the anchor’ but it’s hard. I did find thoughts and feelings though. None of ‘em good though. 

How has your day been? 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 the 'not good' emotions are just as important as the good ones ya know! Buuut I digress lol, maybe not a good can of worms to open when imma disappear to the webinar soon! 

My day was alright, found out my car service is gonna cost me.... about $2,500 more than I was expecting 😭 so bit of a low arvo lol. 

How you tracking now hun? 

[Captain24]

Oh wow… that’s a lot @Jynx. I can imagine the low afternoon. 

Im not tracking real well but I guess it’s something I should be dealing with on my own. 

I hope the webinar is good. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I will copy/paste what I wrote to @MissinTooth earlier tonight, as it seems you have similar struggles, and it is one I too have struggled a lot with ~

The guilt around needing support is one that hits soooo close to home for me. I think back to all the suffering I went through because I had entirely convinced myself I should just be functional.

Took me a long while to realise how intensely I was gaslighting myself - cos my parents and society had gaslit me first. There's this pervasive, horrifyingly toxic belief that ANY OF US are supposed to be doing ANY OF THIS... ALONE?! Hellllll no

I always felt like if I went to therapy, it meant I was a weak, pathetic failure, because I should have been okay to cope with my life. 

Then through therapy I have gotten a lovely bunch of insight into the fact that no, actually my childhood was really messed up, and in fact it's a marvel that I was ever functioning as well as I was!! 

That's me though. But I tell you what, going through all of that has left me pretty adamant that no one should ever feel guilty for needing another human being there to hold their hand... when that is, in my opinion, the entire bloody point of being alive. Holding hands through the bad so we can keep holding hands through the good. 

________________

I may not be able to respond later but doesn't mean I'm not holding your hand Cap! 

[Captain24]

I do feel guilt @Jynx. I feel guilty taking time from others in here. I feel guilt that I’m thinking of leaving my dogs. I feel guilt that my psych has to see me when she isn’t working. I feel guilt that I just can’t get on with life like most others. 

The guilt is making me realise that I’m putting pressure on all of the above. The guilt is making me realise that I should be doing it on my own and not burdening anyone like I have been. 

I know that goes against last nights conversation 

[Jynx]

Have you ever considered maybe it doesn't feel like pressure for others @Captain24? Maybe your psych thinks you're worth taking the extra time for. Maybe other people here feel like they're taking time away from you. Maybe we are prioritising you because we care about you, and can see how much you're struggling, and we are worried. It's not pressure. 

It's community.

It's your community being there for you, and your conditioning telling you that you don't deserve it. You are not putting pressure on people Captain, you are struggling so much that your community is seeing it, but we are refusing to let you drown. 

Please keep 'pressuring' us. Get your needs met. Make a kerfuffle!!

You deserve to be held in this. Not muddle through it alone, like you've always had to do 💜