Lived Experience Forum

[Lemonjuice]

In the last 24 hours...

my counsellor gave me psychological permission, if I wanted to, to move on to see a shrink, since she's only a volunteer counsellor and I need more intensive, specialized care.  I want to, but I don't want to.  She's wonderful, it's taken me months to get my dissociation to calm down enough that I actually could retain an image of her...remember what she looked like or what we talked about, between sessions.  She finally met one of the others only a month ago and I had that 'I'm finally home feeling', now, I am going on to yet another therapist!

Damn!  Just realized it's Wednesday!  I saw her Monday!  Sorry, in the last 48 hours...:face_with_rolling_eyes: I saw her Monday, Tuesday, I cleaned and packed some more for selling our house...too exhausted to cook, I sent my nephew a message that we had to finish packing this weekend cause the painters are coming next week.  He told me off in a nasty way...I guess abusive.

It left me heartbroken.  I left the house and went to uni, sat down and wrote my farewell letters, I was going to suicide. I calmed down enough to go back home.

4am now, and my dog crapped all over the loungeroom floor after I let him out to do his business outside.  Just finished cleaning his mess.

So you would think, I would feel upset. I guess I am, I think I am, but I don't feel much of anything but now everything is a joke.  Nothing matters anymore.  It's all kind of funny, kind of like nothing freaks me out...I might even be able to fly, turn water into wine, change form, do one of those other superhuman things.  I feel incredibly calm.  There's no difference between being dead and being alive.  Maybe I am a ghost, or I am imagining that I exist...a virtual world.  

Anyways, that's where I'm at. Lol.

[Lemonjuice]

Lol, I just found this post and was coming here to write about all of this stuff, only to find, at some point, two days ago, it was written.  I'd forgotten it existed, some of it feels familiar, but I don't recall writing it.

Well, this sucks!  I was hoping to vent but seems I already did.  Do I get one vent per alter or one for all of them! :face_with_rolling_eyes:🤪

[outlander]

hey @Lemonjuice
it sounds like your counsellor has your best interests at heart and giving you the option to speak to someone more specialised in what your trying to manage.
its up to you if youd like to change or not or maybe you could see both if you are able to do that as extra support.

sorry about your nephew being nasty in his response though. hopefully you got everything packed before the painters came

[Lemonjuice]

@outlander  thanks.  I suppose so, I mean I know this, just out of sorts at the moment.  As for my nephew, I figured it out that he took time off from work and he's only accrued $300 in wages for the next fortnight.  He saw me give money to his sister and that's why he was acting badly towards me.  He doesn't speak up, I am suppose to guess.  I definitely think he has BPD...but he won't get help.

[outlander]

Unfortunately we cant force someone to get help, only encourage them. If that person cant see the issue or cant/wont accept they have a problen its abit like fighting a never ending battle @Lemonjuice

[Lemonjuice]

@outlander yeah, I know.  Sometimes you have to let people learn from life.  He's already lost two girlfriends because of his insecurities, gaslighting and controlling freak, it looks like he is going to have to go through that experience again until he figures out that he doesn't want to be that way. Under all of his bad behaviours, there is a very sensitive, insecure little boy, set on defence mode.  Tragic. I've tried my best, but he needs to be around good therapists and good male models.  He never got that.  I love him, I just don't like his disordered behaviours.