Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[KeepDancing]

Hi Everyone

Im new to this forum and am grateful to have found it. 

I sit here trying to think of ways to explain my story and how to ask for the guidance that I so depserately need. ... My husband of 13 years has depression and with it a strong focus on suicide.  He is an alcoholic (he uses alcohol to 'cope' with his darkeness - he is in denial that he has an addiction).  I have walked alongside him and tried to care for him for the past 9 years.  I am weary.

We separated for 12months as I felt the children and I were unsafe.  It seemed to finally trigger some small shuffling steps forward towards a brighter future so I moved back in.  He went to detox a few times.  His biggest stretch of being sober was 6 weeks.  He unfortuantely has no insight into the damage that his illness and subsequent drinking and behaviours have had on me.  He could therefore not understand why if he was sober that his 'wife' didnt miraculously return.  I have tried to explain to him, that I have un/conconsiously built up a wall to protect myself emotionally.  If I didnt, the kids would be left with no one stable.  I have tried to explain that I need time to heal.  That he needs to be sober and get well for that to begin to happen. 

That was 12 months ago.  Since moving back, he has continued to shuffle forward and take giant leaps backwards.  Its the shuffling forwards that keeps me here.  He has had overnight hospital admissions because of suicide threats.  He had a 4 day involuntary stay late last year which finally lead to him being on medication.  Anti-pyschotic meds have helped keep the suicidology at bay, but he now falls into week long depressions where he just sleeps and drinks.  It goes week in, week out.  He was hospitalised early this year with pancreatitis because of his drinking.  So he now drinks until he gets a few symptoms and then stays sober for a week and then falls back down again.  

I have regaular contact with a counsellor.  She has helped keep me sane (if you can call where Iam at sane!).  But I am lost.  My husband is lost.  He cant find his way and I am too tired to help anymore.  I swing between being angry and resentful that he wont accept the help thats right infront of him, to feeling sorry for him and finding compassion to understand.  Im on this continual rollercoaster ride with him.  I am emotionally detached in lots of ways, but then I swing back in to feeling guilty that I cant dig deeper to help him.  But when I do dig deeper, I just fall down again when he does. When I try to explain to him how I am struggling, it just makes him feel worse. We are stuck.

Some weeks my wall is impenetrable and I am 100% carer and can cope.  Other weeks, like this week, I get sucked back into the guilt and the disolusion that if I dig deeper I can encourage him to get help. Then the anger will come because he doesnt meet my expectaions.  Then another layer is added to my wall and I will be fortefied again.  And it goes on and on and on.  I want it to stop, but I do not feel like its time to end our relationship for good.  A part of me is hanging on to the hope that if I hang in here long enough, it will work out.  Another part of me that hangs on is the one that says I need to stick by his side because he is my husabnd, he is unwell, is is not his fault.  And the other part that hangs on is the one that says its better for the kids to be together.  My husband is not violent.  He is not abusive to the children.  He is a great father.  He is trying in his shuffling steps to move forward.  But keeps hitting a brick wall.  It makes it all the harder that he is not a horrible man.  I would leave again in a heartbeat if I felt unsafe.  But I dont. So I stay on the ride and day in day out, and lose pieces of myself.  I am stuck.

Apologies for the long story.  But its actually helped me just sitting here putting it all out there.

Thank you for your time.  I think you are all amazing and I wish you all the best on your difficult journeys. 

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @KeepDancing

Welcome to the forums

Thank you for sharing your story, I admire your strenght and i agree there is definetly something cathartic about simply writing.

you sound like a very loving person who has given a lot, 9 years is a long time.... i know you are probably asked this often but i have to question do you have anyone looking out for you? have you remembered to care for yourself in all this? we all talk about selfcare but it is really hard to do! As you say it is hard to maintain the wall of solidarity and wellness when you have children and a husband all depending on you, so how are you managing? 

there are a few threads which speak about peoples experiences supporting someone with a substance addiction like here , and mental health concerns here and here 

[KeepDancing]

Thank you Fancy_Pants. Yes, Iam trying to look after myself. I see a counsellor regularly. She is amazing and really has been my rock. I have a few close friends and Iam getting better at sharing. Ive just found a Facebook group too that supports spouses of people with depression. Its been helpful to see so many others out there experiencing similar things. There is strength and comfort in that.

Thanks for your reply. 😊 It just helped to get it all out there!! 😉

[CherryBomb]

@KeepDancing I can get why you stay when you 'shuffling forward', it seems like it gives you some hope that things can change. It is good that your husband has made some changes, but at the same time, it sounds like its been a long and trying journey for you with a bit more shuffling back overall. 

If you don't mind me asking, how many years has it been like this? How do you get by day by day? I ask because it sounds like you've been incredible resilient getting through what you have with your husband. It's good to hear that you are looking after you. 

@Rali wrote a post 'Broken and at the end of my capacity'. While her husband has PTSD, it seems that the two of you have similar experiences caring for your husbands. You might like to connect and share experiences. 

CherryBomb

[Rali]

Hi there,I wrote the post before yours (Broken !) but yes I (we) are also stuck. Its 11.40pm and we have just spent the last 4 hours going over the story with each other and trying to look for solutions to and way out of this stuckness.

I really hear you, and feel so deeply the words that you wrote in caring for your husband, the rollercoaster, the pain, the shuffle forwards, then slipping back. It is great you have someone to talk to, It reminds me that I really need to get something in place again. Just bing heard to transmute the energy from the body out to the world, is so powerful. so thatnkyou everyone for reading and holding that space.

I also can relate to you saying your husband is a good person. Mine is too, he would never hurt me or the kids, (physically) and he is a great Dad, but i feel that the moods and the assocaited layers that we (me and my kids) are building up as a form of coping with the situation, are actually hurting us. Its tricky.

Do you/can you take walks and time for yourself in nature as a way of resetting. I have just re-acknowledged for myself today that I need to do that, and I know it really helps.

I am also interested in the facebook page for partners supporting a loved one with MI. I will see if I can find it. I am happy to talk more with you if that would help.

All the best

[KeepDancing]

Hi CherryBomb

I have been on this journey with my husband for the past 9 years.  We have been married for 13 years, and been together 15yrs.  Its been a long 9 years!!!  Through most of it I have just knuckled down and focused on the kids.  But the last few years I have gotten weary and have sought out counselling.  To be honest, the years are a blur. But I do know, that counselling has been amazing in keeping me on track.  My counsellor has helped me make sense of my chaotic world with my husband and why I might be feeling things at different times.  She really is amazing.

My life, like many caring for a significant other, is a roller coaster!  I take one day at a time, and sometimes step by step in one day!  I am very resilient, which has helped me survive my journey to date.  My resilience has been built upon a childhood of having to care for others.  However, as much as I used to see it as a strength, it has also meant that I stay beyond true capacity.  I have built my walls so think around myself now, that I find I am sometimes just numb.  Its not good, because when you have walls, you shut out some of the good as well as the bad.  And I am so detached from my husband, that I dont even know my true feelings for him anymore. 

Having said all that, I stay and am on this journey with eyes open.  Its humbling to be able to understand why you make the choices you do.  But its also frustrating sometimes because it makes the bigger choices harder.  I now understand the old saying that 'Ignorance is bliss'.  But knowing can also be empowering.  Im just not quite ready to embrace that yet!  At the moment I am keeping everything contained and know whats what.  If I were to leave, it would open me up to too many unknowns at the moment. 

So for now, I continue to see my counsellor and share with a few friends what I can.  This group is a good start and I wish I had looked for it earlier.  The Facebook closed group that I mentioned is also great.  Its just nice to be able to relate to so many other peoples stories.  It makes you feel less alone.

Thank  you CherryBomb for your reply.  🙂 

[KeepDancing]

Hi Rali

Yes, after reading your post too,  it appears we are experiencing similar feelings with our situations.  Its very hard.  I understand your anger towards your husband for how he is.  And then the guilt around that anger.  I have spent years angry and resentful towards my husband.  It is only this year, that I have been ready within myself to work through the anger and find compassion again.  But as my counsellor has said, that means accepting that he cant be the husband that I 'want' or 'need' him to be.  It means on a daily basis, coming more from my carer role, rather than my wife role.  Its very hard, and I flow in and out of my roles continusoulsy.  But when I can come from a place of carer and find that understanding for my husband, it is easier.  But I cant control it as yet, so I swing from days full of anger, guilt, sadness and grief for what I have lost or dont have.  To a place of acceptance, compassion and resilience.  Its a terrible rollercoaster and is soul destroying on its own.      Take care and lets keep chatting.  It helps to share the load.  🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @KeepDancing @Rali

There is probably depression along with other issues underlying my husband's undiagnosed eating disorder.  I am in the see-sawing-emotions, walking-on-eggshells path as well.  Can so relate to what you are going through ....

🌷🌸

[MIFANTCARER]

Good morning, I hope today brings some sunshine into your world,

Thankyou so very much for being so open and honest regarding your situation. Its so important you speak out.

We have a Well Ways course running at the moment. Some valuable information which helps me cope with my dear husband, the 1st thing is learning to seperate the illness from the person.

Imagine, then draw 2 stick figures side by side, put a line between the two. Above the left wright illness above, the other write your loved ones name.

Write down becide the illness figure, all the beahviours you dislike about it, eg; the pancreatitis the suicide attempts, the sleeping all the time, the lack of companionship. 

Down becide your loved ones name write all the things you like about him, great dad, great smile tries to help himself and so on.

When we introduce the person we love to this model, (they must be well at the time) we tell them this is about letting them know where your at inregards to their behaviour and how you and other members of the family maybe feeling right now. This can avoid unressourceful communication and helps you feel strong and worthy of good.

We can lead the horse to the water; however, we can not make the horse drink. Until a person is ready to learn  tools or change their thoughts, to give thier inner demonds the flick they will not change how their life is.

The other really important factor to remember, we are all exposed to many different rules and behaviours from birth, we often produce similar beliefs and behaviours. Its only when our thought's/ beliefs and beahaviours are unresourceful to our detriment that we seek change. What you believe to be the meaning of recovery may be completly different to your loved one. My husband and I have complete different ideas on respect.

And finally the Bio psychosocial model look it up ifyou can it sheds some light on mental health.

Please keep on speaking out were all here together.