Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Scrt2222]

Hi all,

I was happy to find this forum after a little google searching of supports. I am struggling with my father's first (overt) major mental health crisis. It's a fairly long read!

I am 30 years old, and the eldest child of my father (60) who lives a few hours drive away from me with his wife and my half-siblings. They are a teenager and a young adult. 

My father's mental health has been deteriorating for years, compounded by his alcoholism and refusal to address his issues. 

He was recently involuntarily admitted to a psych ward with acute psychosis following a manic episode. During this episode, he had classic mania symptoms and behaviours: spending lots of money, grandiose behaviours, paranoid delusions, not sleeping, drinking a lot, dangerous driving.

He also was very aggressive and hostile to his wife, and said awful things about her to my siblings. He was quite aggressive with me when we were in contact, leading me to block him. He also got into a fist fight with a random guy, and with police when he was arrested. He was missing for four days, it was terrifying. 

Whilst this episode is certainly the most extreme example of this kind of behaviour, he has always been very paranoid and prone to aggression. He has flown off the handle at me, screamed, swore, and scared me very badly a number of times over the years. He also has put me in unsafe scenarios as a child as a result of his drinking.

His wife and he used to emotionally manipulate me as a child, making comments about how burdonsome I was, making me feel unwelcome, but also calling me ungrateful and saying I didn't do enough to facilitate a relationship with them. It's bizarre because they seem to have a hateful, loveless marriage for which they've been to counselling many, times. He is regularly horrible to her when drunk. I had to ask him to not tell me anything else about their relationship, as he would inappropriately disclose their issues to me when I was younger. 

He has never been able to take accountability for his behaviour, it is always someone else's fault as to why he's in whatever situation he is. Whenever I have tried to explain that his behaviour has hurt me, it's either been completely dismissed or he has blown up at me aggressively.

When he is not being aggressive however, he is ostensibly a kind and loving father. He buys me nice gifts and we relate on many things such as music and art. I try to share my life with him, but I am always afraid of the next instance of bizarre or stressful behaviour, and I don't trust him not to do something emotionally hectic. 

He has this attitude that I am the only person who understands him, which is a very pressurised position to be in, and one that is absolutely not reciprocated. I don't feel he understands me very much at all. 

I have had to block him during his hospitalisation, as I was too triggered and frightened to engage with him, worried he would say something really devastating to me. I let him know I will be in contact when I am ready, so he knows that at least. 

His wife has been facilitating him to get in touch with me via phone, even though I asked her directly not to, that I need some space. She replied saying I need to have empathy and unconditional love for my father, that he "loves me intensely" and that I obviously lack kidness and forgiveness. 

I have since spoken to my dad's social worker, who has encouraged me to take as much space as I need, as dad is recovering, but still totally lacking insight into his condition. He is not recognising any of the harmful things he has done over the last few weeks, and refuses to admit he has a mental illness at all. He appears to still be manic/hypomanic. 

Is it wrong that I feel too traumatised and scared to be actively involved in my dad's recovery? If it were a member of my family that I don't have such an unpredictable and unstable relationship, I would feel differently.

The guilt is doing my head in!

Thank you for reading, I hope everyone is having a calm afternoon. 

[amber22]

Hey there @Scrt2222 

Thank you so much for sharing what you've been going through and the impacts it has had on you. I think as much as you are wanting help for your dad and for things to get better for him, it is so important that you also prioritise yourself during this time and ensure that you are taking care of you. I think it's actually really commendable that you decided to block your dad during his hospital stay as it was triggering for you. 

Do you currently speak to any supports about how this is impacting you at all? 

Sitting with you and you are not alone in this,

Amber22

[Scrt2222]

Thank you Amber, 

That is very kind of you.

I feel emotional just reading this, as it is a lonely experience and hearing these sorts of comments make me feel less alone. 

I have my psychologist who is wonderful and I have been seeing her for many years. 

I have family and friends who are also very supportive, so I am being looked after very well. 

I just find the guilt so intense, as I worry I am a bad person for turning away.

But I know it is so important to look after myself.

[Tilz]

@Scrt2222  Hi how are you? i think you should not be worry for the things happened before. Just do your best for future. Look after your father well. Have more free time with him. I'm sure that will be a good relief for you too.

[Healandlove]

@Scrt2222 , I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I think your feelings of guilt are understandable as this is to do with your father.  You can have empathy and care about your father whilst still putting your mental well-being and safety first. We can't help those that don't want to be helped. I am so glad you have a psychologist you feel safe with, family and friends to help you through this. I sit with you in this space,  holding your hand virtually and sending you my love and healing. We can't change the past but we can protect ourselves from further harm by putting up boundaries.

Please keep posting in this forum. This is a beautiful community who are here for you.

🫂 hugs and love ❤️ 

[PeppyPatti]

Hi @Scrt2222 

I agree with @amber22  and @Healandlove 

In that it's a good place to be while you sort out how you feel. 

May I be brash ? It feels like his wife does not understand that you are being empathetic .....to you. 

You are correct.

You need to always put your safety in place. 

Pp