Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SisterLS]

Hi Everyone, not sure if I'm in the right space but I needed to get this off my chest, maybe someone else is in a similar situation and we can encourage each other. I'm from Belgium but have lived in Australia for 17 years, my life is here and is good. Mum is with me, she beat cancer 3 years ago but is still a little frail. My brother is schizophrenic with paranoia and he sometimes behaves like a sociopath, he's still in Belgium by choice, lives on his own, says he follows his treatment. He's on a disability pension, no financial issues, we regularly send him money so he's extra comfortable. No family left there apart from old/ ill relatives. We're in our 40s. He's had two serious crises in the past year when the police put him in the psychiatric hospital, the second time just recently for vandalism. The psychiatrist wanted to keep him for a year but my brother got a lawyer and got out, despite having received an eviction notice from his landlord due to his anti-social behaviour. He refuses to accept his condition, finds himself charming and cannot understand why everyone around him is avoiding him, sometimes scared of him (I FaceTime daily with him and it's sometimes difficult but my doctor put me on SSRI and see a psychologist every week to help) He's going to end up on the street, he's trying to find another apartment but is obsessed with living in the city where it's impossible to find anything. He just won't listen when we tell him to broaden his search. We've spoken to the psychiatrist, social workers, a mobile mental health support team in his region, they can't do anything to help against his will. I have tried everything I could think of to help from afar and I draw the line at moving back to Belgium to look after him as this would destroy me (I couldn't get out of that country quick enough 17 years ago and my whole life is in Australia) So there's constant worry, anxiety, helplessness, guilt, I grind my teeth so much my jaw is always sore, insomnia... I'm exhausted. You're probably all familiar with these feelings.

If you made it to the end of this long message, thank you for reading. 

[tyme]

Hey @SisterLS ,

Thank you for sharing. It is understandable that you feel so stressed and anxious about your brother because he is so far out of reach. 

I recognise you feel that you may have to move back to Belgium to support him. At the same time, I'm curious to know whether it would make a difference if you were near him? Would he move out of the city?  Would he change to seek help? Ultimately, by you moving there, will it 'destroy' you?

I hear how much you care about your brother and you must be so concerned. It sounds like you are doing what you can to support him, and he is known by the system there. 

I hear this is a hard call. But remember, in order to help someone, you need to be well yourself. Will you be well if you move back to Belgium?

I'm hearing you. I hear how hard it is. We are sitting with you.

You are not alone.

[SisterLS]

@tyme Thank you so much for your reply and support, it is greatly appreciated. 

[tyme]

Has there been any progress @SisterLS ? Have there been any other thoughts about what you’d do?

Please look after yourself.

[SisterLS]

@tyme Hello, thank you, how are you? Unfortunately no progress, he's been harassing an old aunt who has a house in Brussels to let him stay with her. She has long covid and is unwell. He went there again yesterday and she must be scared now, she didn't even open the door. My brother is big and intimidating. I woke up to a long message from him, ranting hatred and anger with random racist and homophobic comments. He's out of control again. He needs professional help but refuses. I wish I could give myself some slack, it's on my list of topics to discuss with my psychologist. It doesn't help that another aunt who lives in another country (we have little contact) has been trying to guilt my Mum into looking after my brother - I'm going to end up replying that if she thinks it's so easy she can do it herself. 

I hope you have a good weekend. 

[tyme]

Can you set a boundary and only check the communication at a certain time each day/week? @SisterLS 

It sounds like it's causing you a lot of stress, especially when you are so far from him. There's not much you can do. 

What does your pscyh say about the situation? (Only if you feel like sharing)

[SisterLS]

Hello @tyme , my phone has always been switched off between 8pm and 7am so that's my window of peace, apart from that seeing as he's so isolated now I try and answer calls and messages as much as possible, it is upsetting sometimes but it feels like the least I can do, there's no one else. The psychologist says it's a terrible situation pretty much out of my control. So she has taught me lots of strategies for the worry, the anxiety etc. And that helps for short periods. At least there are no more panic attacks, just a constant feeling of doom bubbling under the surface. I'm usually the person who organises, fixes and helps, like when Mum had cancer I took care of her and everything, but here it's like watching my brother inside a burning building, refusing to come out, and I can't force him out. Sorry, bit dramatic there. And I feel for the many many families in similar situations too. I am glad I found this forum. Thank you. 

[Fei]

I completely relate. I have posted a story of my situation if you want to read it. 

I am sending much love as I know situations like these go so unheard, that no one ever brings attention to them. You can scream but no one helps, it is such a useless feeling. The insomnia, the stress and the hyperactivity, just wear you down.

Sending love 

[hanami]

Hi @Fei 

Welcome to the forums! Thank you for offering such caring support. I just wanted to let you know that if you type the @ symbol a drop down menu will come down and  you can tag the person so they will see your response. 

Hope you enjoy the forums,

Hanami

[Fei]

Sorry, thanks for letting me know to tag.

@SisterLS